1. Replace Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer with Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo.

2. Replace talk of “electoral college” with talk of “Heidi Watney’s ass.”

3. Replace sophisticated maps detailing red and white states with sophisticated map charting the route of a D’Angelo’s double-meat turkey sub through DeMarlo Hale’s lower intestine.

4. Drop pantsless Jonathan Papelbon at winner’s rally with fifty cases of Coors Light.

5. Seven words: “Live from the White House… Tom Caron!”