2. Replace talk of “electoral college” with talk of “Heidi Watney’s ass.”
3. Replace sophisticated maps detailing red and white states with sophisticated map charting the route of a D’Angelo’s double-meat turkey sub through DeMarlo Hale’s lower intestine.
4. Drop pantsless Jonathan Papelbon at winner’s rally with fifty cases of Coors Light.
5. Seven words: “Live from the White House… Tom Caron!”