Today, the stores and local malls will be packed with every form of lowlife. I’m talking wall-to-wall drunks, lunatics and Peabo Bryson fans. Why subject yourself to this, when you can pick up some natty gifts for the Sox fan on your list right here?

For example, let’s say you’ve got a friend or lover or prison pen pal who’s never experienced the magic of Surviving Grady. Sure, you could sneak into his/her house and change the homepage on their browser. But an easier way might be to slip a copy of Surviving Grady: The Book into their stocking (not a euphemism!). At a mere $7.95 — cheaper than six bags of cheap licorice, mind you — they’ll get a complete collection of our 2004 season postings, with all the swear words intact and a buncha stuff that was never seen online (including the now-legendary “lost month” at the start of the season while we waited for Denton to make parole). Not to mention a glorious photo of Mike Timlin and Dave Roberts on the cover. Or how ’bout just getting one for yourself to take to the beach or the ski slopes or the local book burning? Ladies, it’s like having me and Denton in your back pocket (totally a euphemism)! Join the revolution, and pick up your copy at amazon.com.

We’ve also got a few of the Sox Addict and Ortiz T-shirts left, so feel free to pick one or several hundred up for the local youth organization down the street. As a bonus: the cease and desist makes these T-shirts rare and valuable collector’s items (or, in legalese, “evidence”). Get ‘em before they’re gone.

For the Bronson Arroyo stalker on your list, tickets for the ex-Sox hurler’s concert at Showcase Live in Foxboro are now on sale. No truth to the rumor that The DeMarlo Hale Orchestra will be opening.

Lastly, might we recommend the Jeff Goldblum wafers? We thought so.