Think the handsome millionaires who play for your favorite pro baseball teams are immune to the current economic slowdown and credit crunch? Guess again! They feel it too and, just like you little people, they’re cutting corners wherever they can. That’s the theme of today’s episode of “The Adventures of Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf.”

So anyway, yadda yadda yadda, I’m raising your rent.

Damn it.

There goes beer and hooker night.

Not necessarily. We could get a roommate.

A roommate? You mean like a hooker?

No. I mean like a roommate. Someone who lives with us and–here’s the thing–helps pay the rent.


I’ll get something on craigslist.

:: One “roommate wanted” listing later ::

Okay, we’ve narrowed our roommate search down to you two. So to make our final decision, we’re just gonna ask one question: What makes you the ideal roommate. John, you go first.

Well f@#k I’m just a sort of down to earth guy who respects personal space and likes to hang with a couple beers and steaks on the weekends and has a cousin who has a cousin who’s like BFFs with Jessica Alba and I don’t have any pets just a shitload of gloves and also possibly steroids but they’re in a tiny container and won’t get in the way of anything. Also, I don’t smoke and I’m voting for McCain. And I hate the Yankees. And know several hot chicks, some of whom may stop in from time to time to party and/or disrobe. Oh and this is my Frisbee but it can be yours, too, through the process I call “sharing.” Which is what I’m all about.

Okay. And you, Julian?


Come again?

Your apartment cries to be reborn in fire. And I am the messenger sent to help it burn.

Alright, then. Can you guys excuse us for just a second while we talk amongst ourselves?

Can’t you feel the heat from the flames as they lick at the walls? I do.

I gotta say, I like that Julian guy. He’s got an edge. Could be fun on weekends.

All that talk about setting fires doesn’t concern you?

Y’know how Youk always talks about showers yet never actually takes one? Same thing here, I’m guessing.

Sold. How do you think John will take it?

Ahhhrg. The f@#k? Are you serious?

Sorry, man. No hard feelings?

Feelings? I feel like I want to throw someone into a wall. If he was the better roommate, I’d be fine with it. But I lost this goddam apartment to a roommate who’s not better than me.

Gotcha. And you enjoy that flight back to Anaheim.

::Two weeks later::

The popcorn’s ready. You guys wanna watch some TV?

I believe that together we should don celebratory robes and consummate our friendship with the ritual of flames. Unless, of course, “According to Jim” is on.

You know, sometimes I wonder if Lackey-Boy ever found himself a place to stay.

I hooked him up with some musician friends of mine who were looking for a roommate. Not sure if anything worked out, though.

::Somewhere in California::

Don’t you f@#king guys know a simple G chord? How can I focus on my vocals if you nitwits keep f@#king up behind me!

He’s been drinking again. Should I call the police?

Hold off. I just sent Davy upstairs to get the crossbow.

* * * * * * * *

Reminder: Tonight, Denton and I will be liveblogging Game One of the 2008 ALCS from our cells. Do drop by if you have the chance.