Last year, as the Sox barrelled toward an improbable victory over the Injuns in the ALCS, the K-Men’s wooden Papelbon puppet–or, “The Pappet”, as we here at SG dubbed it–was leading the charge. And unlike those inferior National League puppets, our puppet, our Pappet, had fully movable legs. And folks, let me just say that I once thought I’d tasted life. But then I witnessed a ten-foot Jonathan Papelbon totem boogieing its marionette ass off in the stands as a thousand drunken maniacs partied beneath it. And I realized that my life to that point was just a f@#king joke. Being a Sox fan and puppet buff, this was Nirvana for me–kinda like how George Costanza felt when he discovered a way to combine eating and sex. The goddam Pappet even made its way to Colorado for some of the World Series games, reminding me that no matter how much I achieve in this lifetime, a puppet will always get better seats to the game than me.
Coming into this postseason, I wondered how the K-Men would top themselves. And they didn’t disappoint. During the ALDS clincher, they debuted (at least the first time I’d seen it) a fully posable Dustin Pedroia puppet, complete with “arm flexing action.”
And it is beautiful.
Folks, nothing tells opposing teams you mean business like a bicep-flexing puppet. And seeing this thing waving in the cool evening air as the real Elf stood a couple hundred feet away on second base after putting the Sox ahead for good, I was convinced that all was right with the universe. Although I’m a bit saddened that the K-Men were unable to fulfill my dreams by unleashing an entire team of puppet doppelgangers, I understand that these things take time to craft, to build, to smuggle into the ballpark. At least we’ll have “The MarionElf” to add a dose of important puppet mojo to the playoffs, and I can only hope that some enterprising young man or women is currently figuring out how to get it safely transported to Tampa Bay.
Because if we’re gonna do this thing, motherf@#kers, let’s do it up right. With puppets.