Tonight, Tim Wakefield will attempt to lead our troops to the promised land. The land of October baseball. It will not be easy. In fact, because Tim is essentially a heart attack cleverly disguised in human form, it could get pretty ugly rather quickly. But we will be here. Liveblogging through it all, Blogger willing. I’ll be doing the first part of the game, and Denton is scheduled to cover the later innings. And if the Sox lose again, we will be doing our part to encourage local youth to booze up and riot.

Unfortunately, to follow along, you’ll have to hit “refresh” every so often to get the new stuff. A small price to pay, though, for the crap we’ll be spewing seven beers deep.

Pre-Game Show on NESN: God love Johnny Pesky. The guy’s closing in on 90 and he gives a better interview than half the Sox’ current starting line-up.

7:01pm: Is it just me, or is Orsillo working some stealth hair restoration thing? His hairline seems to be slowly creeping forward. And I envy that.

7:03pm: Three minutes in, and NESN has already the violated the cruelty through music amendment, subjecting us all to the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

7:07pm: Wake makes quick work of the first two batters. Could this be the magic, as Manilow once asked?

7:07pm: Note to self: Get audiotape of Remy saying “Buenos Noches Amigos.” Add to voice mail message.

7:08pm: Holy shit! Wake makes it through the first inning unscathed. I’m feeling it people. Christ, maybe we’ll even see the Pappet in the stands!

7:10pm: Cliff Lee gets the first Sox batter he faces to line out. I guarantee we’ll get to him this inning.

7:12pm: Single by the Elf, then Tiz whiffs. Perhaps this will be tougher than I thought.

7:13pm: Is there anyone who looks quite as menacing at the plate as Youk? Jeesus, he could rack up a fortune as an extra in prison movies if this baseball thing doesn’t pan out.

7:16pm: Bay strikes out on a naaaaaasty pitch. And it’s Wake Time again. No score.

7:21pm: Wake walks the first batter of the inning. Beer time.

7:22pm: Not so fast! A double play! Looks like Wake’s got the big pants tonight.

7:26pm: A strike out of Shoppach and Timmeh’s made it through two without incident.

7:28pm: Not content to prove to the world that he could get one hot chick to hang with him in his commercials, Bob of Bob’s Discount Furniture has apparently added a second hot chick to his troupe. Well played, Bob.

7:31pm: Sean Casey is hitting .426 against Lee. But in his first at bat tonight, he goes down with a whimper, striking out.

7:35pm: Sox are done again. No score after two innings.

7:38pm: NESN has footage of Drew taking BP. Man, an ALDS without Drew and Lowell is going to be a sad state of affairs. Like an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard starring Coy & Vance instead of Bo & Luke.

7:40pm: Rays are winning game one. Hey, if we’re pinning our hopes on the Orioles being “spoilers,” well…

7:43pm: Runner reaches on Cash’s error, then a ball ricochets off Wake to put two Injuns on base. This is the sort of freaky stuff that some might call “an omen.” Me? I’m too buzzed to notice. F@#k Giambi!

7:45pm: Wake lays down the law. Gets the K. No score after two and a half. This game might be over by 8:15.

7:47pm: Coco Crisp, the embedded Indian, makes the first out. Man, after that Rays brawl in July, I thought Coco was going full gangsta on us this season. Alas, no.

7:52pm: Sox done again. On to the fourth we go. No score.

7:55pm: Heidi interviews Johnny Bench, former host of the Baseball Bunch, who seems visibly drunk. I’d give my left nut to see an homage to the Namath-Kolber mash-up. Oh and twenty bucks his hand found its way to Heidi’s arse after the commercial. Johnny was a member of the Big Red Machine, for chrissakes. Damn right he’ll cop a feel and you’ll like it!

7:58pm: Sox up in the bottom of the fourth. Papi nails one to the triangle that looks gone, but turns out to be a double.

8:01pm: Youk follows it up with a two-run blast into the Monster Seats. His beard, I am convinced, smells like beer and death.

8:04pm: Fenway seats! For sale! “Great for avid collectors” says Remy! Also, seat fetishists. You know who you are.

8:06pm: Heading to the top of the fifth. Sox up 2-0. Somewhere, I can only hope, the Pappet is being loaded onto an unassuming pick-up truck for the trek over to Fenway.

8:10pm: I’m hardly Nadia Commawhatshername, but Coco’s gotta be flexible enough to have snagged that pop fly that just dropped a few feet before him. Now the Injuns have two on with no out. I’m going to my happy place now.

8:14pm: Now I can’t be the only one who’d love to see Eric Wedge in the dugout wearing an apron that says “Ask Me About My Muffins” on it. I simply can’t.

8:16pm: Ball glides under Casey’s glove, allowing Cleveland to plate its first run of the game. 2-1 Sox. Thanks, Mayor.

8:17pm: Youk bobbles a hard grounder, and the tying run scores.

8:16pm: Shitty Fieldingpalooza continues! A fly ball bounces out of a diving Coco’s glove, and the Injuns take the lead, 3-2.

8:18pm: Wake, apparently dismayed at the absolute f@#kfest going on around him, coughs up a near-homer. Indians get another run, and now lead 4-2. But I have faith in our offense! /sarcasm.

8:23pm: Rays have won game one, and are currently winning game two. A Cubs-Rays World Series could trigger the apocalypse.

8:26pm: Ellsbury doubles! Crisp hits third! Elf nails one off the wall! Game tied! Dropkick Murphys tuning up as we type.

8:29pm: With two outs and a man on second, the Filthy Beard is intentionally walked. Hopefully, Bay can make them pay. Or at least write a detailed letter to Indians management after the game expressing his concern that they would take him so lightly.

8:31pm: F@#k the letter! Bay comes through with a hit. Elf scores. Sox regain the lead at 5-4.

8:32pm: Remember when Phil Hartman died and the producers of NewsRadio decided to replace him with… Jon Lovitz? I still think someone owes us an explanation for that one.

8:33pm: Here’s something you haven’t heard much lately: Lowrie strikes out! Heading to the sixth, Sox lead 5-4.

8:35pm: Wake keeps the ship steady, getting the first batter of the sixth out. If the game keeps rolling, Papelbon should be sitting bare-assed on the mound and drinking Coors cans by 9:30!

8:45pm: In the time it takes me to wolf down a turkey sammich and finish off my third Pabst, the sixth inning has come and gone. I’ve had relationships that lasted longer than this game. And, yes, one of them was with a bird.

8:48pm: NESN treats us to the Fabulous Thunderbirds yet again. This has to constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions. Imma check it.

8:51pm: Delcarmen comes in and surrenders his mandatory base hit.

8:53pm: Did you hear that? A quick audio glich made it sound like DO was calling Tom Caron “T-T-T-Tom Caron.” Get Timbaland to drop some beats behind that shit and we’ll all be rich.

8:53 Red over-wrote my comment. Biatch.

8:53pm: Denton’s in the house. He’ll take over the liveblogging while I go get drunk.

8:55: Denton taking over this piece. Red – start Saran-wrapping the furniture, I’m on my way with Champagne!

8:58: Scary confession: I had the game on the radio driving home from the gym (I’m huge, Jerry!) and I was wondering what DO would look like with a full head of hair. Then I read Red’s post. Scary.

9:04: I just did my bases-loaded-get-an-out dance. No worries, peeps.

9:06: Worked again. Hang on, gotta put my pants back on.

9:08 Donga need food! Red Sox need runs.

9:11: Rays up 5-2 in the second game. Who do they think they are?

9:16: Why did Red put “PM” on every entry? Big-K Bay strikes (out) again.

9:20: J-Mast coming in. If I see Timlin start warming I’m teleporting to Fenway and taking him out. Cause I can do that you know. Sincerely.

9:23: That dude that just shuffled to his seat behind the plate looked like Walter Matheau in Dennis the Menace. Mr. Wilson!

9:25: Masterson has a nasty slider going. Reminiscent of a young Denton.

9:26: That shoulda been strike 3!

9:28: Filthy pitch. Papelbon perfecting his 2008 jig as we speak.

9:31: Lopez. I would have left Masterson in but WTF do I know.

9:33: Shite.

9:37: Papelbon out!

9:42: Johnny Valentin used to wear number 13. I’m just sayin’

9:44: I miss Manny when they show dugout shots.

9:46: Sweet glasses on Donnelly. Was that Wedge they just showed? Looks like he belongs at the Pine Street Inn. Cora takes a walk. Rally-killer Cash up. No pinchie? Cora has a 10-minute at-bat and gets nailed 10 seconds later. Awesome.

9:47: It’s on. Bottom of the ninth, one run lead, Papelbon dealing, Denton tits-deep in cheap beer and grilled meet. Is this heaven?

9:52: OK, Rays are losing the second game. The score I reported earlier was the final of game one. Yes, there was alcohol involved. Strikeout!

9:54 Strike 2. And strike 3. One out away from October baseball.

9:55: Party on! Papi has the goggles on already!!!

9:57: Tito looks like everyman’s favorite uncle.

10:00: I’m glad Wake got the win. Clubhouse celebration about to begin. FCC regulations prevent us from live-blogging during the par-tay. That, and the booze I’m shotgunning. Congratulations Red Sox and Red Sox Nation. Back-to-back!!!