Superman: Folks, I’m not from this world. But I have vowed to protect my adopted homeland from evil in its various forms–including super villians, nuclear war and the films of Adam Sandler. So I come before you tonight to explain that you must keep faith in your team, even if several key members have fallen. It’s like that time Captain Cold and Gorilla Grodd joined forces to freeze New Jersey. Of course, no one gave a shit–it’s New Jersey. But the Justice League responded, even though Hawkman was battling pneumonia, the Atom was trapped in the negative zone and Martian Manhunter was in Chicago, co-signing an auto loan for his cousin Hector. Did we miss these key members of our line-up? Of course we did. Except, possibly, the Atom, who is really just a f@#king pain in the ass to bring along on these things because he requires a special tiny harness and, just between you and me, is something of a pussy. But the fact is we soldiered on because that’s what heroes do. You think Josh Beckett is sitting in a lonely apartment somewhere crying in his beer because he can’t work his magic until game three? F@#k that noise! He’s likely twenty-seven miles underground in Tom Yawkey’s secret training bunker working on a pitch that can disintegrate spleens. Discount the defending world champions at your peril! Oh, and f@#k K-Rod.

Wonder Woman: As the sworn defender of all living creatures, I take great exception to this “rally monkey” that the Anaheim Angels have employed. By what right do they pluck an animal from his natural environs, fit him with an Angels cap and force him to screech and dance on command? Sure, they did the same thing to Vlad Guerrero, but I’ll bet the monkey’s not getting eighty million per season. On the grounds of righteousness alone, this gross violation of the free will of all living things gives a decided edge to the Boston Red Sox. Oh, and on another note: that age-old joke about me, Superman and the Invisible Man? Never happened.

Aquaman: Let me get this straight, air breathers. Your ace goes down and gets pushed back a couple games, and your “plan B” is a guy who went 16-6, tossed a no-hitter and was the winning pitcher in last year’s deciding World Series game? And some of you are worried about this? Christ, no wonder I live with f@#king fish.