Yesterday, on Boston Mag’s Boston Daily blog, our pal Derjue asked the million dollar question: Who will NESN tap to replace the soon-to-be-but-a-memory-called-upon-for-late-night-self-satisfaction Hazel Mae? Your guess is as good as ours, but that won’t stop us from dreaming out loud by suggesting a few candidates.
Trot Nixon. Pros: Beloved Dirt Dog would provide nice tough guy counterbalance to the Eck’s happy hippy. Wouldn’t be afraid to suit up in emergencies. Still nice with his fists, which is always a plus when New York’s in the house. Also, has a lot of free time on his hands these days. Cons: Susceptibility to torn ass muscles makes him an on-field liability when chasing players for post-walk-off commentary. Looks positively silly in anything other than a baseball uni. We could totally see him up and slugging Tom Caron during a rain delay argument over the proper way to lace cleats.
The Pappet. Pros: Would help NESN land the all-important puppet fan demographic. Would enable me to finally realize my dream of seeing Jonathan Papelbon being interviewed by a life-sized marionette doppelganger. Salary-wise, could be a steal. Cons: Made entirely of wood, although that hasn’t stopped Kathryn Tappen.
Crazy Guy from the Sullivan Tire Ads. Pros: That hair is simply too outrageous to be confined to twenty-second, between-innings commercials. Already has a good rapport with the players, many of whom have already embarrassed themselves in his ads. Would most likely pepper his commentary with arcane tire references, which, I gotta admit, I’m a sucker for. Cons: Clearly the candidate most likely to be on the business end of a Jack Ruby-esque assassination attempt by a deranged fan. Which may actually be a pro.
The Gammons. Pros: Motherf@#ker, it’s The GAMMONS. If that doesn’t get your nasty bits atwitter then I’m not so sure I want to be your friend. Cons: None that I can see, padre. Although that sweet employee-for-life deal he’s swung with ESPN would be tough to beat.
The Fat Guy from Toto. Pros: After a tough Sox loss, the dulcet tones of “Rosanna” would be just the thing to get me to put down the cyanide. Cons: Might decide to switch it up some nights with “You Supply the Love.” And we just don’t need that in our lives right now.
Kevin Millar. Pros: We know him. We love him. He’s clearly destined for some sort of announcing gig once he realizes that playing for the Orioles ain’t gonna get him into heaven any quicker. Cut him loose with a mic and a field full of Sox players, and you won’t have to worry–the magic’s gonna happen. Cons: Popularity could pose a threat to Remy, resulting in an ugly turf war that ends with El Bencho’s body found in the trunk of an abandoned Saturn Vue.
Tina Cervasio. Pros: As Derjue suggests, we ain’t too proud to beg The Mouth of Truth to come on back to Boston. She knows her shit, and was just beginning to hit her stride when she decided to leave. Cons: Like the girl who breaks your heart only to show up at your door the next week, could we really trust her after she walked away? To New York, no less?
Jerry Remy. Pros: He’s Remy. If he wants the goddam job, he’ll just take it, thank you very much. Cons: Think I’m gonna list a few of these, only to have a couple legbreakers show up outside Surviving Grady HQ to talk to me about “protecting my family”? Not in this lifetime, pally.