Cashman: Yeah. According to the Daily News, he’s currently the most productive home run hitter in the majors, leading baseball in home-run ratio at 11.4, and tied for tenth in home runs with seventeen.
Cashman: He’s also tenth in OPS, which as you know is on-base percentage plus slugging percentage, at .979
Headwarmer: It’s a veritable hitting workshop he’s been putting on, yes.
Cashman: Hm. I seem to recall way back in, oh, May, when he was hitting… what? About .150?
Headwarmer: What’s your point, titmouse?
Cashman: My point? Headwarmer, I think he’s on the juice again.
Headwarmer: Would you keep your voice down? Bob Watson’s in the guest room.
Cashman: All I know is we couldn’t give this guy away for a sock filled with toothpaste last year. Now he’s back on top of his game and I’m supposed to assume it’s all due to, as the Daily News says, “persistence and newfound health”?
Headwarmer: Well, it’s true. He’s a model of persistency. He’s, like, the most persistent person I’ve ever met.
Cashman: I might just have to give Bud a call…
Headwarmer: Hey, hey, let’s not do anything rash. We’re winning ballgames. People are happy. We’re moving up in the standings and my people tell me Sabathia’s already shopping penthouses on 57th. Have a Schlitz and chill the f@#k out.
Cashman: But if we’ve got suspicions, we’re supposed to–
Headwarmer: Look, you wanna know his secret? It’s the moustache.
Headwarmer: Hells yeah. Think of all the great Yankees. Reggie. Hunter. Guidry. Winfield. Munson. Fasano. It’s a long held tradition in these parts. Slap a ‘stache on just about anyone and their awesome quotient goes through the roof. I mean, look what it did for Bea Arthur.
Cashman: A moustache. I should have guessed that. Of course, it does go against our facial hair policy.
Headwarmer: But that’s part of the fun, man. It’s a revolution. We’re going against the grain, defying convention. We’re the 2008 Yankees, and we’re making history.
Cashman: Wow. We’re gonna be back on top. And we owe it all to a moustache.
Headwarmer: That’s right. A moustache. Oh, and this specially formulated Hair Growth Helper that Jason injects into his ass once a month.
Cashman: Hair Growth Helper, huh? I was wondering what was in all those syringes.
Headwarmer: Yup. Gotta have it. That is… if we want the moustache.
Cashman: Oh, we do. We most certainly do. If we’re winning, keep that stuff coming!
Headwarmer: Alrighty then.
* * * * * * * *
Today’s episode brought to you by The Bearded Men of Space Station 11: