Bow to your sen-sei. Bow to your sen-sei!

I think you all know who I am but for those who don’t, I’m Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system. So I know a little something about toughness. You think Starla wants some cream puff coming home to her at night? Right. So I’m here to give you Red Sox players and fans some advice, motivation and some of my hard-earned wisdom.

First, enough about the schedule. You sissies think sitting in first class with servants at your beck and call is a hardship? Go join the chess team, Sally, you’re supposed to be athletes. Baseball players. I’ve taken pansies like you who were scared of their own shadow and too weak to rip a Kleenex in half and turned them into warriors. So I will not tolerate your whining.

Second, the fanfare is over, ladies. Sure, it was great to have someone hand you a $30,000 ring while some has-been sang about his boyhood crush to a bunch of screaming drunks and Johnny Pesky farted rainbows. If you couldn’t win a ballgame after that I would have personally checked under the hood to make sure you even needed to wear a cup. But that was yesterday. Time to get to work.

Finally, the same goes for you fans. No excuses. If I am at Fenway and hear a word about a 19-hour joy ride to Japan, someone is getting a red-white-and-blue drop kick to the head courtesy of Rex. Lesson over, class dismissed.