People of Earth, I’m not from here. But I have vowed to protect my adopted homeland. Just as Daisuke Matsuzaka has vowed to step it up in this 2008 season and become the pitcher you expected him to be when he was signed for boatloads of cash last year. No more will he suffer the bad inning. No more will he “nibble” around the plate. Instead, he has vowed to release limitless torment upon those who would dare to oppose him and his Boston brethren. Fear not, citizens of this fair metropolis… the one they call “Dice K” will be sacking up like you dream about, and removing any doubts you have about anyone in this Boston rotation not named “Beckett.” And his march of terror begins tonight! Against the A’s of Oakland!

And just how do I know this? I’m Superman, motherf@#ker. I know how much it really cost your mechanic to fix your car, what color underwear your boss has on, and what you really do when you’re off behind the shed, telling everyone you’re trying to fix that pesky wheelbarrow.

That’s right. I know. And you should be ashamed of yourself.