Alright, no one really took their pants off (to the best of our knowledge anyway, as Julian Tavarez’ whereabouts are still undocumented), but the Red Sox continued to establish themselves as Jonathan Papelbon’s Flying Circus at the Mike Lowell Foundation’s Dancing With the All-Stars charity event. The Bot (seen here wearing something that wouldn’t have seemed out of place in a dinner theatre version of La Cage Aux Folles), Dustin Pedroia (who doffed his shirt to reveal, inexplicably, the word “Daddy” across his chest), Alex Cora and Lowell himself did their best to combat the rumor that white guys can’t dance. Judging from the clips they showed during today’s game… the rumor stands.
“[Papelbon's shirt] was terrible,” Pedroia said. “I thought my body pulled it off, and his didn’t. That’s my personal opinion. A lot of women, they loved it.”
Pedroia threw his shirt to owner John Henry, nearly killing manager Terry Francona in the process.
“I thought I was going to have a heart attack,” Francona said. “My chest hurt, I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. You can write that. He is a moron. He was dancing, he looked like a puppet on a string. He’s such a little gamer, but he’s looking over knowing we were crushing him. He’s drinking the Red Bull. He’s exhausted. He’s trying to do these things with this girl he’s not strong enough to do. It was hilarious.
The only loser here, really, is Kevin Millar. Tell me the guy’s not watching all of this from a lonely hotel room outside the Orioles’ camp, slowly punching himself repeatedly in the testicles. Oh, El Bencho… if you were still here to kick it all up a notch, I’m certain we’d be on the precipice of Major League Baseball’s first-ever instance of an entire team doing jail time.