Folks, I’ve slept through meetings, weddings, funerals, movies, plays, flights, busrides, lectures, cookouts and, on at least three occasions, intercourse. But this morning — like, any minute now, long before the sun’s up on my block — brand new, never-before-seen Red Sox baseball will be magically beamed into my home from halfway across the globe. It’s Daisuke and Papi, Manny and Tito, J.D. and Lowell, Youk and His Wonder-Beard, Ellsbury ‘n’ Elf, finally getting out of my dreams and back into my life. It’s cranking up “Dirty Water” with a blatant and almost aggressive disregard for the neighbor’s kids (and let’s face it, the little f@#kers should be up watching anyway. It’s Opening Day, for Christ’s sake). It’s pacing and pounding and thrusting your fists in the air because the ump really should have f@#king seen that and are you kidding me with all these walks and somebody should really get his ass out of there before the game’s out of reach. It’s remembering what it feels like to check the boxscores every morning, wait longingly for the postgame presser, and sweep away broken window glass after a particularly ugly loss.
In other words, it’s breakfast with Remy, people. And I won’t be missing one bloody second of it.
Update, 6:05am: Turns out I will be missing some of it. At least visually. Of all mornings, Comcast decided to shit the bed on me on Opening Day, greeting me with “Channel Not Available” when I flipped on NESN Hi-Def and every other channel beyond the local ABC, NBC and CBS affiliates, for that matter. Thanks, Comcast; it’s refreshing to see that the $250 a month you charge me is going toward fortifying your technology. Meanwhile, Dice-K just gave up the first dinger of 2008 and I’m on to my first Jaeger shot. Oh, and Drew is a late scratch with back stiffness, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Update, 6:50am: Comcast is still out, thank you very much. But now everything’s out, with just that nice blue “Channel Will Be Available Shortly” box. Glorious news, that. I’m sure it’ll all be back up in time for Regis and The View. On the plus side, I’m enjoying the first 45 minutes of the Dale Arnold Era on EEI.
Update, 7:20am: Almost 90 minutes into the season opener and still no love from Comcast, despite the screen’s insistance that the channel will be available shortly. Thought I actually had something a few minutes ago, then realized I accidentally sat on the DVD remote and started up I Am Legend. Come to think of it, Will Smith would fit in nicely on this 2008 Sox team. As a bonus, we’d get a little “Parents Just Don’t Understand” action during the seventh inning stretch.
Update, 7:40am: Since I can’t get them on the phone (despite my scintillating Comcast phone plan), i’ve been trying to compose a letter to the good folks at Comcast, to explain just how much they’ve f@#ked up Opening Day for me. At least I’m at home; what if I’d gotten up at 3:30 to drive to some bar to watch it on the big screen with fellow Sox fans? I’m imagining some if not all Boston bars are experiencing the same problem. On the upside, to avoid a riot, the bars might let the beer run cheaper, and when college chicks start hitting the sauce before 7:00am, the day really can’t get much better.
Update, 7:45am: WEEI just played the Squirrel Nut Zippers between innings, so the apocalypse is truly at hand.
Update, 7:53am: Manny ties the game with a two-run double. I am certain he will get his 500th homerun before the end of this game. I don’t care that he needs 10 more to do it and there’s only three innings left, the guy will find a way!
Update, 8:00am: Sox take the lead. Alan Embree, Class of 2004, is pitching for Oakland, so I fully expect to see Curtis Leskanic working the hotdog stand by the ninth.
Update, 8:05am: Not so fast; A’s retake the lead on a two-run homer by the mighty Jack Hannahan. Comcast is still out and I’m starting to wonder if I’d paid my bill.
Update, 8:35am: “Sweet Caroline” is playing at the Tokyo Dome and in my kitchen, courtesy of EEI, enabling Neil Diamond to suck simultaneously on two continents. Dale Arnold tells me Ellsbury just made a spectacular catch, but as my Comcast has whisky d*ck, I just wouldn’t know.
Update, 8:55am: Huston Street, distant cousin of the vastly underrated Harrison Ford film Hanover Street, is in for Oakland. Comcast suddenly flickers to life just in time for the ninth inning, somehow justifying the “Opening Day Salvage” surcharge that’s sure to appear on my next bill.
Update, 9:02am: Holy crap! Sox tie it up on a homer by Brandon Moss, AKA the guy what was sitting in for Drew.
Update, 9:10am: On to extras we go. Outside, real life beckons. Real life can go screw, buddy. I’ve got Remyvision.
Update, 9:25am: Manny Ramirez puts the Sox on top with a two-run double. Nothing will stop this man from winning MVP in 2008. Write that down and tell your grandmother.
Update, 9:44am: After some harrowing moments, The Papel-Bot closes the door. Sox win, 6-5, and currently sit atop the AL East. Comcast proudly announces a hefty 2008 rate hike. With Red Bull and Wheaties in tow, I’m off to the races. The Standells will see us out: