Alright you knuckleheads. We got all these Mitchell Report suspects to work our way through. We need confessions, and you two gotta get ’em. One f@#k up and you’re out on traffic duty. Got that?

Yeah, sarge.

The first guy’s in interrogation room two. Now stop frostin’ the comforter and start earnin’ your f@#kin’ paychecks.

Shit, Mike, check it. There ain’t no suspect in here. It’s that guy we had on the team. The f@#k-up guy.


Eric Gagne? What are you doing here? Where’s our suspect?

Naw, it’s me. I did some steroids and stuff.

Ya, right. ::laughs::

The f@#k you laughin’ at?

Steroids are supposed to make you good. You’re not good.

I’m a Cy Young winner, motherf@#ker. So I’m good. And I’m totally roidin’.

Son, you do realize that mayonnaise is not a steroid?

Go ahead and laugh! I’m filthy with this stuff! I’ve got HGH corsing through my veins as we speak. I’m like a goddam walking GNC. But illegal!

Well, listen, we got a shitload of suspects we gotta talk to today so would you mind not wasting our time.

::takes syringe from lunchbag marked “steroids”:: Are you people nuts? I’m totally on the juice. Check it! ::starts jabbing himself in the ass::

Woah. I think we got a 5150 here.

Look, kid, we’re busy people. You gotta hit the bricks.

But I’m guilty. I swear to god, I’m guilty!

Great, great. Why don’t you go home a rest and bit and we’ll talk later, okay?

I just wanna get the human race back on top. Where we belong.*

That’s nice. ::escorts him out the door::

This is gonna be a long day, chief.

You’re telling me. Next!

::enters room, cap in hand:: Look, fellas, I used illegal steroids. If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize.

Oh, so you’re just gonna clam up, huh? Looks like we’ll have to beat a confession out of you. Youk, get the “hittin’ sticks.”

::Locks door:: Oh, I got ’em.

* * * * * * * *

*this line cribbed for no apparent reason from 12 Monkeys.