Alright you knuckleheads. We got all these Mitchell Report suspects to work our way through. We need confessions, and you two gotta get ‘em. One f@#k up and you’re out on traffic duty. Got that?


Yeah, sarge.


The first guy’s in interrogation room two. Now stop frostin’ the comforter and start earnin’ your f@#kin’ paychecks.


Shit, Mike, check it. There ain’t no suspect in here. It’s that guy we had on the team. The f@#k-up guy.


Hey.


Eric Gagne? What are you doing here? Where’s our suspect?


Naw, it’s me. I did some steroids and stuff.


Ya, right. ::laughs::


The f@#k you laughin’ at?


Steroids are supposed to make you good. You’re not good.


I’m a Cy Young winner, motherf@#ker. So I’m good. And I’m totally roidin’.


Son, you do realize that mayonnaise is not a steroid?


Go ahead and laugh! I’m filthy with this stuff! I’ve got HGH corsing through my veins as we speak. I’m like a goddam walking GNC. But illegal!


Well, listen, we got a shitload of suspects we gotta talk to today so would you mind not wasting our time.


::takes syringe from lunchbag marked “steroids”:: Are you people nuts? I’m totally on the juice. Check it! ::starts jabbing himself in the ass::


Woah. I think we got a 5150 here.


Look, kid, we’re busy people. You gotta hit the bricks.


But I’m guilty. I swear to god, I’m guilty!


Great, great. Why don’t you go home a rest and bit and we’ll talk later, okay?


I just wanna get the human race back on top. Where we belong.*


That’s nice. ::escorts him out the door::


This is gonna be a long day, chief.


You’re telling me. Next!


::enters room, cap in hand:: Look, fellas, I used illegal steroids. If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize.


Oh, so you’re just gonna clam up, huh? Looks like we’ll have to beat a confession out of you. Youk, get the “hittin’ sticks.”


::Locks door:: Oh, I got ‘em.

* * * * * * * *

*this line cribbed for no apparent reason from 12 Monkeys.