First things first: that slapping of the ball out of Brandon Arronson’s hand in 2004? A misunderstanding. A momentary lapse of muscular coordination. I later sat down with the guy for some cheeseburgers and wine so if he can forgive me, I don’t see why you can’t.

Anyway, I know you’re really deadset on having Mike Lowell back. So here’s what I propose, just to make it easy on everyone and illustrate how much I’d like to come to Boston: I’ll move back to shortstop. I know you’ve got that Lugo guy there now, but come on; he’s a former Devil Ray. It’s only a matter of time before the wheels fall off that wagon. Just consider this line-up, people:

Me (A-Rod)

Is there a pitcher in the free world who’d want to step to that? I could easily see myself belting, oh, about 53 home runs in April alone. And just to further show that I’m a man of the people, I’d lease one of my jets to the MBTA for fan transportation and personally hand out individual fruit pies to the first 500 ticketholders through the gates at every home game.

I know it’s all just talk and speculation right now, but if I end up coming to Boston, my word will stand. I’ll even grow a beard if that’s what it takes. Provided I’m able to.

Also, as a bonus, you get this:

Can you feel the love, people? Because I can.