First things first, someone on the Red Sox owes me a motherf#$king turkey sub. Because in the ninth inning, when our offense squeezed out its last few, pathetic sparks, I hurled the only thing I could get my hands on at the television. And that thing was a turkey sub.

As the minutes click off the clock, as the calendar sets to turn another page, these are the games we need to be winning, to store in the vault just in case our upcoming trip to New York doesn’t go as smoothly as we hope it will. Against the Devil Rays, the dregs of the major leagues with all due respect, we need to be carving out a W, end of story. I don’t want to hear about how good BJ Upton is or how crafty that Carl Crawford can be when the chips are down. These guys are 356 games out of first place and when they come up against us, they need to get smooshed. Period.

Some other questions:

Why the f$#k is Manny Ramirez being rested? Listen, Tito, Manny is one of the few reliable bats you’ve got in that line-up. Unless he’s bleeding out his eyes or faced with a once-in-a-lifetime threesome with Jaime Pressly and Jessica Alba, I want that motherforker on the field and at the plate. In fact, the only guy who should be allowed to rest from here on out is Eric Hinske. Hinske wants to rest? Super! Give the guy a double shot of tryptophan and let the good times roll. But not the Manster. On a night when clutch hits were virtually non-existent, Manny’s bat could have made a difference.

Does DeMarlo Hale inhabit our world? Because if he did, he would know by now that Stephen Hawking could outrun David Ortiz around the bases. As could a fat guy rolling a log, a desk, my grandmother (deceased), Greg Luzinski and a mannequin glued to Kentucky. Yet DeMarlo continues to wave ’em in like he’s directing customers to a newly-opened register at Fuddruckers.

“Run, Forrest, run!”

Okay. Now I’ve got that out of my system. On to Chicago, where we turn it over to Commander Kick Ass of the F#@k Yeah Brigade, who will more than likely get us back on the winning track, or die trying. Oh, and I’ll take that turkey sub with light mayo and double meat.

In other news, the ESPN “Face of the Franchise” project, which I was flattered to be asked to participate in — along with Jayson Stark, Amalie “I ::heart:: Red” Benjamin and Baseball Tonight’s Eric Young — is all up at the ESPN site. Link is here.

Lastly, with Curt Schilling noting he wouldn’t mind playing for the Devil Rays, Tampa Bay fans (yes, they’re out there) have been weighing in on the possibility. Check some of the comments on this post from’s Rays blog.