Today, the Red Sox play two against the Anaheim Angels in a series that will feature not only Gary Matthews’ first visit to Boston since he wrote us local fans off as inebriated dolts possessing less “couth” than New York fans, but also the major league debut of wunderkind prospect Clay “leave the extra H on for savings” Buchholz.
Sadly, however, if you’re a working stiff like myself, you’re gonna miss out on the the first game — AKA le debut de Buchholz — which starts at 1:05pm EST.
Of course, there’s no reason employment should intefere with one’s enjoyment of the game. So, as a public service to you, Surviving Grady presents the following tips for gettin’ your game on in spite of the obvious professional commitments.
The “Web Seminar”: Here’s a little corporate secret: No one really knows what web seminars are. But man, does it sound impressive when you can rattle off such sentiments as, “Carl and I have got one hundred clients lined up for next week’s web seminar.” Start off your Friday morning tactical by announcing that you’ve gotten “the call” to moderate a quick “web seminar” to assist several client contacts with “the roll out.” [You don’t need to specify exactly what it is you’re “rolling out.” The phrase “roll out” is so powerful in and of itself that any would-be naysayers will instantly be silenced and, even better, reduced to feelings of inadequacy, especially if they themselves have nothing to roll out.] At 1:00pm put a sticky note on your door with the words “Web Seminar in Progress.” People will steer clear, enabling you to turn on EEI, remove your pants, and enjoy the game.
The “You Buy, I’ll Fly”: This is a good one. Tell your co-workers that you’re willing to drive to Dunkin’ Donuts to hook them up with some much-needed afternoon caffeine. They just have to pony up the cash to make up for the $25.00 in gasoline you’ll burn through. Collect their monies. Head to the local tavern. Watch several innings. Order multiple beers. Brag loudly to the guy next to you that you’ve got “a fiver” on Buchholz going eight. Return to the office hours later. When people ask about the coffee, become defensive, and mention how your all-bran diet has pushed you to the brink of homicide. When the police arrive, refer to each of them as “Ponch” and keep one hand over your genitals at all times.
The “I’ve Got Something Important to Mail”: If you carry a pocketbook or briefcase into the office, then you’re gonna have to carry it out with you when you try to make your break — a dead giveaway that you’re “done for the day.” Sure, you could leave your briefcase in the office all weekend, but then someone might discover that it’s nothing but an oversized tote for snacks and pornography. So here’s the workaround: take a stroll down to shipping and tell Carl and Hank that you need a box “big enough to hold a briefcase or two human torsos.” Slip your briefcase into the box, then sashay your work-shirkin’ ass right out the door, confident that anyone who sees you figures you’re just heading to the mailroom or the post office or wherever the f#@k people carrying big-ass boxes go.
The “Brutal Honesty”: Stand up in the middle of your 1:00 meeting and declare, “I’m sorry, but what’s going on right now at Yawkey Way is infinitely more important than anything you oafs will conjure over the next two hours.” Get up, walk out the door, head home, and enjoy the game. After all, who’s gonna bring you more pleasure over the long haul: your boss or the Remdog? You got that right, whitey.
PS: Yes, in case you’re wondering, this exact same post, give or take a few sentences, ran last year. Sorry, I’m hungover.
PS2: The shirt? You can get one right here, my friend.
PS3: And while you’re cutting out of work and all, don’t forget about the WEEI/Jimmy Fund Telethon. The folks at the Jimmy Fund are performing minor miracles everyday, and every little bit we can give helps out.