No, I’m not ignoring last night’s game. It’s just that… well, Gammo’s platform in his bid for presidency of Red Sox Nation is online at redsox.com. And it’s a good one, save for the Pearl Jam reference.
If elected, I make 10 promises:
1. That I will get Luis Tiant, Jim Rice, Smokey Joe Wood and Janet Marie Smith into the Hall of Fame. Tip O’Neill made me promise I would fight for Smokey Joe to my deathbed.
2. That the Red Sox will provide every youngster in New England a video of Dwight Evans playing right field, so they can learn how to play that position correctly.
3. That all politicians have to pay their way into the park.
4. That, like Lyndon Johnson in 1960, Jerry Remy will be asked to be my running mate. After all, I was the first guy in Boston to discover him, at Somerset High School. And The Rev. Thomas Kennedy will be my Secretary of State, for the good of world peace, and rigging deals to get the best international players into the Red Sox farm system.
5. That the farthest west rest area on the Massachusetts Turnpike will be renamed “Wasdin Place.”
6. That MIT will be renamed Matsuzaka Institute of Technology.
7. That we will built a seating section so that 1000 kids a game can get in–via a lottery–for $5 a head.
8. That if we can have cities and towns named after Red Sox like Wiilamstown, Lynn, Everett, Montgomery, Lee, the town of Westin will be renamed “Ortizton.”
9. That Pearl Jam will play Fenway.
10. That every Opening Day, every school in New England will play Ken Coleman’s call of Carl Yastrzemski’s catch off Tom Tresh preseving Bill Rohr’s no-hitter against the Yankees in 1967.
And as for last night’s loss to the White Sox… well, let’s just say that the Suck Factor has officially reached “high.” Good thing tonight we hand the ball to Commander Kick Ass of the F-ck Yeah Brigade.