That’s It, It’s Over and Julian Tavarez Just Totally Made Out With Your Sister.
You knew when REO Speedwagon came onto the field to sing the national anthem that nothing good could come from this. How can we translate the spectacle of an aged Kevin Cronin into something fruitful, something meaningful and honest? We cannot. We can only find solace in the fact that they didn’t stick around to play “Can’t Fight This Feeling” after Hideki O gave up a home run on his very first MLB pitch.
Seriously, though, there were a number of question marks hovering menacingly around the 2007 team through the offseason and spring training. The most prominent were, “What if Curt can’t cut it?” and “What if the offense slides?” and “How are we gonna get from the starters to the Papel-Bot?”
Sadly, the answers came through loud and clear as the flip side of Tom Waits’ Bone Machine. Schill was gone after four innings. The bottom four in the line-up — Lowell, Tek, Crisp and Pedroia — went a collective 3-for-14. And PineiroBread looked posalutely lost on the mound.
To top it off, the guys just seemed so goddam sloppy. It’s one thing to get whipped by the Kansas City Royals; it’s another to look like the friggin’ San Pedro Beach Bums while you’re doing it. Heinous baserunning gaffes, outfield stumbles and relays missing cutoff men by a country mile seemed to punctuate this forgettable exercise.
Only… we can’t forget it. Because the Sox won’t take the field again ’til Wednesday. So we have to stew. To dwell on it. To live with the fear that we’re becoming KC’s bitch.
And I’ll direct anyone who says it doesn’t matter to the 2005 final standings, where we tied with the Yanks but “lost” the division since New York held a winning record in head-to-head contests.
I waited half a year for this, you silly f–kers. And that loss was like waking up Christmas morning to find that all Santa left me was a couple of socks filled with toothpaste. Just thought you’d like to know.
Put It Back in Your Pants, Dude. It’s One Game.
So Curt got manhandled? Hey, the man’ll have plenty of time to get his sh-t straight, and I’ve got nothing but confidence in him. And while the offense took a bath, I’m happy to see Dustin grab a couple hits, and I’ll happily chalk up his overzealous baserunning to opening day jitters. And any game in which Youk gets a couple hits and Ortiz knocks in the first run of the game is just further proof that everything’s alright in the universe.
I also like the way Okajima settled down and struck out two after giving up a home run on his first-ever pitch in the MLB; that shows character. Think our old pal The Incredible Sulk could have shook off such a bitchslapping? And Donnelly and Romero looked pretty sharp out there as well.
So we lay low and regroup. We place our faith in Josh Beckett and start stocking up on Asahi Super Dry and practicing our get-out-of-work-early excuse for Matsuzaka’s Thursday afternoon debut.
This is gonna be a year, baby. Just sit back and enjoy it.