I have a feeling — and it’s a pretty good one — that when the Sox play Baltimore, whether it’s Grapefruit or regular season, they assign someone to “Millar duty.” This means checking the bus, equipment bags, etc. to be certain that El Bencho isn’t trying to somehow smuggle himself back to Fort Myers or Fenway Park.
Anyway, because I was feelin’ kinda Millar, and because I’m also suffering from mercilessly packed sinuses, I decided to hit the wayback button to relive a “classic” from the past: Great Literature Made Better By Adding Kevin Millar. Enjoy.
* * * * * * * *
The Great Gatsby
Nick Carraway: So, Gatsby, I hear you’re from the Midwest.
Gatsby: That’s right.
Gatsby: San Francisco.
Nick: I see…
Millar: San Fran? Did you get out to SBC much?
Gatsby: Er… who are you?
Millar [extending hand]: Kevin Millar. First base. World Champion Boston Red Sox. And this is one hell of a party, Mr. Gaston.
Millar: Whatever. [shakes empty beer bottle] Any more of these? I’ve gone dry here.
Gatsby: [Looks around nervously] I’m… not sure.
Millar: [produces small cooler] S’alright. I always bring my own, actually. Along with a couple meat sandwiches. So give me the lowdown on these chicks. What’s up with legs over there?
Gatsby: Eh… that’s Jordan Baker. The golfer.
Millar: Hot damn. I’d let her handle my nine iron. Not a euphemism, by the way.
Gatsby: I really should mill around a bit, I–
Millar: Can you put in a word for me? Tell her I’m into puppies, Beethoven and threesomes. Oh, and that I once ate a bookcase to win a bet. Chicks seem to like that story.
Gatsby: Look, chap, who exactly invited you here?
Millar: You did.
Gatsby: But I don’t even know you.
Millar: Aw hell, I’m totally lyin’. I heard the music and just kinda crawled in through the bathroom window.
Gatsby: You should probably leave, then.
Millar: Will do. Oh, and I dipped my balls in the punch. Just so you know.
* * * * * *
The Red Badge of Courage
by Stephen Crane
Lieutenant: Soldiers, I won’t lie to you. There’s been a lot of ill talk. They say the men of the 304th fight like mule drivers. So I’ve got a plan to restablish ourselves as credible soldiers. First, we’ll charge the hill. Then–
Millar: Okay, hold on a sec. I’ve got a plan, too.
Lieutenant: What the? I’m giving orders.
Millar: Now, I like your deal with the hill charging and all that, but I was thinking. What if some of us stayed behind and kinda, y’know, rocked out?
Lieutenant: “Rocked out”?
Millar: [gets up, starts dancing, flailing arms madly] You know… dook dook dook.
Lieutenant: [cocks gun].
* * * * * *
Odysseus: Tomorrow, we set sail for Crete, to engage the Minotaur!
Millar: The Mino-what?
Odysseus: The half-man, half-bull beast that has terrorized my homeland.
Millar: Half-man, half-bull?
Odysseus: With large, deadly horns and pointed hooves.
Millar: Deadly horns? Hooves? Aw, f–k that noise, man. Wake me when ya get back.
Odysseus: But… you’re a part of this crew.
Millar: Look, I went in on that cyclops deal and almost got my ass chewed off. Call your buddy Zeus and tell him to wave his arms and zap the motherf–ker. I got no time for it.
Odysseus: You disappoint me, oh blonde one.
Millar: That’s life, buddy. [Grabs The Sporting News.] I’ll be in the can.