Is there anything that Remy can’t cure? One sniff of that voice and the ice melts off my driveway, my Coleman grill sparks to life, a couple Heinekens screw their own tops off and land gently in my hand, and the 22-year old grad student/cocktail waitress next door drops by to ask if she can watch the game with me, as her TV just got eaten by Sleestaks. Send Remy to the Middle East, and I guarantee all that sh-t just goes away. The Taliban will take up stamp collecting, Iran will give up its nuclear ambitions to construct the world’s biggest marionette theatre, and the Iraqis will lay down their arms, roll in a few quarter barrels, and inquire about some Hooters franchises.

Yes, it’s all good when Remy and DO are in the house. And one of the best things about spring training games — beyond the fact that common knaves like Denton can just approach the broadcast booth — is that it’s the closest thing we’re ever gonna get to Remy After Dark. There’s a certain nonchalance to pre-season Remy; a pirate radio vibe to his spring performances that I absolutely love. When it’s Grapefruit time, we get stuff we’d never get during the regular season. Exchanges like:

Remy [as yet another nondescript Twin steps to the plate]: “Now who’s this?”
D.O.: “This is… Gil Velazquez.”
Remy: “Great.”

The season hasn’t even started yet, and my queerness for RemDawg has officially left Earth’s orbit. For Friday’s Matsuzaka debut, I may have to keep a couple spare quarts of plasma on hand.