Matsuzaka had his finest outing of the spring, allowing one measly hit, retiring 15 of the last 16 batters he faced, and receiving a standing O from the liquored-up retirees in attendance. Sure, it was against the Pittsburgh Pirates, whose best player remains Willie Stargell — 20-odd years after the dude retired. But it’s still exciting and enough to get me wishing this goddam spring horseh-t would just end and get us back to Fenway.

Oh, and who’s that coming to the rescue? Could it be… The Papel-Bot? Dude tells the Herald that he and his shoulder are ready and willing to close, thus sparing us the sight of Julian Tavarez heading out of the dugout to protect a one-run lead. And letting every phone around Fenway Park rest just a little bit easier.

Lastly: RIP, Larry “Bud” Melman. Here’s hoping God puts you at the gates, telling everyone who comes in, “Hey, this is a rock and roll musuem. You guys don’t belong in here.”