DAISUKE MATSUZAKA TO THE RED SOX: Not to be a homer, but this has to be considered one of the best off-season deals simply because it is an absolute no-brainer moneymaker for the Sox. Even if Matsuzaka goes, say, 11-11 in his virgin MLB season, the Sox will have made their investment back about ten times over in merchandising and commercial sponsorships across the Japanese market. They’ll have fans outside their Yawkey Way offices with pitchforks and torches, but they will have made their money back. However, if Daisuke plays as good as he looks on paper, we’ll have a young, talented workhorse to serve as the centerpiece of our rotation once Schilling’s gone in 2008. And if just a fraction of his badness of ass rubs off on Josh Beckett, we’ll all be better for it.
KEITH FOULKE TO THE INDIANS: Myself, I was sad to see Keith Foulke go. Because even though every fiber of my being is convinced that his knees are shot and he basically blew out everything he had helping us seal up the 2004 World Series, there’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind that wonders if, in the far less intense Cleveland scene, he could rediscover his mojo. For the Injuns themselves, though, this is a great deal. They’re only committed to one year at five million, which is one mill more than what we’re paying Joel Pineiro, who comes with far less accolades than Foulkie. If Keith sucks it, they’re only out short money. But if he somehow manages to make my darkest dream come true and turns it around, he’ll be the story — and the bargain — of the year.
BIG UNIT TO ARIZONA: The Sox landed Curt Schilling from the Diamondbacks in 2003 with one basic objective in mind: winning a World Series. When the Yanks signed Randy Johnson, the other half of the Diamondbacks’ 2001 World Series MVP machine, in 2005, they had the same target in sight. But from the first moment he touched down in the Apple and started knocking over photographers and growling through that ass-ugly mug of his, the Unit did nothing but rain barrels of urine on everyone’s good time. He didn’t just suck, he was a cantankerous, miserable, damaged, whining prick who sucked — a most deadly combination when you’ve gotta bend over and take your medicine from the NYC media every fifth day [although he did manage to pull off an exceptionally good record against the Sox]. Getting rid of him for a couple bags of charcoal briquettes and a strawberry-scented douche would have been a fantastic deal for the Yankees. The fact that they actually managed to wangle some prospects and Luis Vizcaino from Arizona is unstoppably righteous.