::Picks up phone:: Hello?


Gasp! Dmitri Young! Scariest motherf–ker in all of baseball!

How you doing, Mistah Dombrowski? Still got all them kids and that big ol’ house on that big ol’ hill that I most recently Mapquested?

Er… I, uh. Heh. You know, I hope you’re not still upset about everything that happened between us.

Upset? Hell, no. Not at all. But I tell you this. If the motherf–king Tigers win the motherf–king World Series without me, imma get real, real mad.

::Gulp:: How… mad?

Like tie your lips to my bumper and drive over twenty yards of broken glass mad. Like take out your lungs with an ice cream scoop mad. Like make my ass a necklace outta yo kneecaps mad.


Ball’s in your court, Chump. If you guys get them World Series rings, you can mark my words you won’t see no Christmas.

::The next day::

… so, anyway, that’s when it hit me that our new leadoff hitter should be actor Peter Dinklage.

The little guy from “The Station Agent”? No sh-t!

I think it’s a great move for us, and just in time for the World Series.

I must tell you all, this came as something of a surprise. But I’m very honored to be a part of this.

He was good in “Elf,” I’ll give him that.

‘Specially the part where he socks Will Ferrell in th’ nuts. Good times!

Heh, heh. Let me tell you, gentlemen, when a midget hits you in the testicles, you are going down. Heh.

::Puts on batting helmet, which completely covers his eyes::

See, he’s a natural. This is gonna work out just fine, people. World Championship, here we come!

You got us this far, Double D. We’re behind you 100 percent!

::Picks up bat to take a practice swing, falls over::

For Sam, with apologies to Dameet, The Dugout and Peter Dinklage (rent The Station Agent. Like now and sh-t.)