Okay. So we’ve lost three in a row to a team with guys named “Aubrey”, “Ty” and “Russell” in its line-up. And tonight, unless the Knuckleball Gods choose to smile on Tim Wakefield, we may find ourselves flushed out of Tampa Bay without a single win to show for the past four games.
Prior to 2004, this is the sort of thing that would find me taking hostages at the local Honey Dew Donuts. But these days, I try to keep my cool. Plenty of games to go around. Lots more baseball to be played. Gotta save my knuckles for late September, when punching glass windows can become a nightly ritual.
Anyway, how can I focus on baseball when the Coors Light Win a Day with Hazel Mae contest is in full swing? Those ads have been a veritable blip on the screen between games, but I must know more. Like, what will said Day entail? Will she be wearing this get-up [I like the pants, yo!]? Or will she be donning an outfit of the winner’s choice? Do we get a choice of “Professional Hazel” or “Tough Leather Chick Hazel”? How about “Catholic Schoolgirl Hazel”?
More importantly, do we have to hang around the NESN studios or can The Haze and I run free through the woods of Lars Andersen Park in Brookline, our arms entwined, her hair all mussied up in the breeze, the cotton fibers of her tank top pushed to their physical limits. Honestly, if this is just some bum trip to hang out and learn how a TV camera works or if Tom Caron actually wears pants on air, they can keep it. I don’t wanna be sharing any precious Hazel Time with TC or the Eck. I wanna break her free from the shackles of her daytime gig. Drive her off to the Berkshires or the Cape. Feed her strawberries and watch Sigmund and the Sea Monsters and ask if she’s ever nailed Mike Timlin. If I’m getting a day with Hazel Mae, let us spend it discovering the splendor of this city — as well as each other. Not sharing a couple pastrami subs in the NESN cafeteria.
Hear me out, Hazel. If I win, I promise you a day unlike any other. A day so drenched in awesomeness, you’ll wonder how you’ve survived to this point in your life without so much as a taste of it. A day that will leave you spinning with joy and sensation, literally bursting at the seams with energy and electricity, aware of the life vibrating all around you in ways you never were before. Also, we’ll probably check out Superman Returns.