1865
Abraham Lincoln: Happy anniversary, baby. Here ya go.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Tickets? To the Theatre?
Abraham Lincoln: It’s a little something called “My American Cousin.” Supposed to be pretty good.
* * * * * * * *
1983
Dennis DeYoung: Okay. So. For our next tour, I wanna do up the whole “Kilroy Was Here” thing with an exciting stage play. Tommy, here’s your “Mr. Roboto” mask.
Tommy Shaw: The f–k?
Dennis DeYoung: See, before we play any music, we’re gonna act out the storyline. There’ll be robots and soldiers and rallying against oppression and censorship. It’ll be awesome. Like a big Broadway show. With robots.
Tommy Shaw: What about… y’know… playing music?
Dennis DeYoung: Dude. We’ve got robots. Who doesn’t get psyched to see robots?
* * * * * * * *
2006
Charlie Manuel: Should we pitch to Ortiz?
Gary Varsho: Well… he beat us Saturday. Could he really do it again?
Charlie Manuel: I think we should pitch to Ortiz.
* * * * * * * *
And another thing: Words are officially useless when it comes to describing Ortiz. Going forward, anyone wishing to describe the unstoppable awesomeness that is Papi should be forced to do so using only George Lucas-approved CGI effects, complete with spaceships, whirling planets, and plenty of ‘splosions, because that’s what the man is all about. As a last resort, interpretive dance is acceptable, but only if it includes a sequence in which one dancer, representing Ortiz, kicks another dancer, representing a pitcher, in the groin.
Speaking of pitchers, here’s another rule. No matter what an opposing closer’s “theme song” is, if the boys are playing at Fenway, it is officially the duty of the Keeper of the Fenway Soundsystem to cue up “I am a Man of Constant Sorrow” by the Soggy Bottom Boys as said pitcher makes his way in from the bullpen to face Papi. Because you know it’s going to end in tears.
