Before the Game:

Headwarmer: I see that Mirabelli’s back.

Cashman: Very observant, Headwarmer.

Headwarmer: Hey, weren’t you trying to snag him to keep him from the Sox?

Cashman: Perhaps.

Headwarmer: ::Chuckles:: Hosed again! I love it. Heh heh.

Cashman: By the way, there’s no smoking in here.

Headwarmer: ::Stubs out cigarette, muttering::

First Inning:

Headwarmer: Holy f–k. Lookit the can on that girl. Thing looks like it was carved outta marble.

Cashman: Shut up, will you? Johnny’s coming to the plate.

Headwarmer: Oh yeah. The prodigal son returns. I gotta see this.

Cashman: Lots of boos. As expected. These fans are classless. This guy helped them win a World Series.

Headwarmer: Oh my god. He’s taking off his helmet.

Cashman: See, he’s above them. He’s combatting the boos with pure love.

Headwarmer: Jesus. Put down the helmet, Johnny. Put it down…

Cashman: That’s the way a true Yankee acts.

Headwarmer: I think he’s gonna go Lloyd Dobler on us. Check it, he’s three seconds from pulling out a boombox and playing “In Your Eyes” to the crowd.

Cashman: ::Sighing:: So classy…

Headwarmer: ::Shuffling down to cover Cashman’s eyes:: We can’t watch this. We just… can’t.

Cashman: Hey! What the–

Eighth Inning:

Headwarmer: Here comes Ortiz with two men on. What’s the strategy, Einstein?

I think this situation calls for the “Papi Neutralizer.” ::Pulls out small walkie talkie:: Bring in Myers.

Headwarmer: I don’t like this guy’s form. Weird motion.

Cashman: Will you pipe down? Sit back and listen as the joy gets sucked right out of Mudville.

::Three-run homer::

Headwarmer: “He doth bestride the narrow earth, like a Colossus.”

Cashman: F–k.

Headwarmer: Tragic, isn’t it?

Worse. I left my Prilosec at the hotel.

Headwarmer: You’re a dink.

Driving Home

Headwarmer: Alright, time for “Kiss Alive II.” ::Tosses CD into the front seat:: Cue this up, will ya, Baldy?

Cashman: Right.

Headwarmer: Oh, one more thing. Just so I’m clear. Mike Myers was your Ortiz Killer?

Cashman: It’s a long season. This was only round one. They’ll see. They’ll all see…

Headwarmer: And they put me in a box for the summer? ::Lights cigarette:: Christ.