Curt Schilling: Mostly I pitch, you know, get batters out. Sometimes I take the younger guys out for a leg of lamb and give them a few pointers. How to pitch inside, when to throw the high heat, how to steel-coat your balls, the basics. Paps and Beck, those guys listen, they get it. Some of the others, they need some private lessons, if you get my drift.

David Ortiz: I hit the ball, man. You know, that’s what they pay me for. Somebody pitch to me, I hit the ball hard. After the game, I eat. You ever see the spread? Shit.

Manny Ramirez: I do what I want, man. I check out different hair styles, do-rags, wrist bands. I have the look. Not that Johnny Damon shit, I’m talking about the look. Oh, and I hit homeruns. You remember back in the day? Pitchers would walk Jimmy Rice and pitch to Dewey? Every time, Dewey hits a homerun. Like Papa Jack taught me, somebody gotta pay. They wanna walk Ortiz? Pay now or pay later, man. That’s how I roll.

Kevin Youkilis: I do what the team needs. I play first, I play third, I get on base. During homestands I go around the park, tighten up any loose screws on the seats, repaint the section numbers if they’re fading, I like to help out.

Jon Papelbon: I strike people out. I save games. I keep the ladies happy.

Willie Harris: I, uh…interface with the people? Well, somebody has to hit ninth, right? Did you see the ball I almost caught last night? And a couple more hits and my average will be over a hundred! OK, I’m just keeping the spot warm for Adam. But I’ve got people skills!