Matt Clement
I think I’ll let my performance on the mound speak for itself. Not that, you know, my pitching will be funny. That will be balls-on serious. At least I hope it is. I mean, I would never try to be intentionally bad, right? Oh, jesus… just move on to someone else. I don’t want to be the funny guy ::slinks into locker and closes door.::

Curt Schilling
A lot of people think I’ve got no sense of humor, that I’m this hard-ass. That’s a buncha crap. I keep the guys laughing because laughing makes teams stronger. Just the other day, I told the guys I had to take off early for a 2:00 dentist appointment. Later, when they came into the weightroom at 2:00, they find me in there, doing some deadlifts. They were all like, “Dude, you said you’d be at the dentist.” And I was like, “Oh, really?” I totally faked ’em out. Now that’s some funny s–t.

David Wells
I try to avoid going out in Boston, and, sadly, “going out” has been the impetus for most of my humor over the past several years. That said, I have planned a number of clubhouse hijinks this season, many involving my testicles.

Mike Lowell
I have what they call a sort of “deadpan” humor that I think could resonate pretty well with the Boston fans. For example, during a post-game interview, if I really f–ked up, I might say something like, “I think it’s important to lose a few games now and then. Builds character.” I used to roll out that sorta stuff all the time in Florida, and they really ate it up.

Mike Timlin
You want funny? Okay, lemme see. Well… I once accidentally shot my cousin Freddy during a hunting trip. Sure, it wasn’t funny for him. But I think he looks back on it and laughs.

Jason Varitek
Sorry, I don’t do “funny.” Although I’ll probably toss around a few Yankees this year. People seem to like that.