With Bronson Arroyo headed to Cincy, The Gammons holds auditions for a new headlining act for the next Hot Stove, Cool Music show.
::singing:: “Thank you very much-o, Mister Roboto, for helping me escape–“
“Should I try it with my pants on this time?”
“We’re all set, really. Thanks. Alright, Dave. What have you got?”
“I called my buds Mick, Lars and Angus. They’re all busy, unfortunately, but my man Tom Arnold said that he’d be happy to–“
“It’s more like a performance art piece, but I do this thing with my balls and a couple bags of jerky that seems to get everyone laughin’ in the clubhouse.”
“You’ve probably heard my rap, ‘We Got That Thing’? I’m thinking of doing that, but instead of your typical gangsta girls, I’d get Toby Harrah and Andre ‘Thunder’ Thornton in wigs and g-strings. Hear me out… it’s not quite as ugly as it might sound.”
“I was thinking of doing a few White Stripes numbers. Or everyone in the audience can just punch themselves in the crackers. Same effect, really.”
“Jack Blades here. Look, I know I’m not a major league ballplayer. But I was in Night Ranger, muthaf–ers. Represent! Nothing finishes off a crowd like a rousing chorus of ‘Sister Christian.’ And with me, as a bonus, you get the Damn Yankees* catalog as well. Hear me out. ::Clears throat:: You can still… rock in America! Oh yeah. Alri–“
“Roooooaaaaarrrrrr.” ::Tackles Blades. Chews off arms::
“Folks, one more is all we have time for. I’m this close to calling Jack McDowell.”
“Hey there. I do some stuff. Some rap. Some country. Might be good to mix it up a bit.”
“Alfonso? You’re not on the Red Sox.”
“Not yet. Heh.”
* * * * * * * *
*Speaking of which, NESN rolls out Sox vs. Yankees at 7:00pm tonight. Grapefruit fever: Catch it!