Will finally admit that he’s really just a 12 year old kid from Dedham “screwin’ around.” Will embark on a magical summer of tree-houses and robot building.

Will go on a .386 tear in April, with 16 home runs and 40 RBIs, prompting Sports Illustrated to declare 2006 “The Summer of Trot.” Will then throw out his ass while reaching for a plum at the post-game spread.

Will enjoy a successful year as “the lefthanded specialist.” In Pawtucket.

Will spend much of the season begging the front office to re-shoot his player photo.

Will continue to induce as many heart-attacks as high-fives. Will cement his reputation as Nicest Guy in the Universe by heading over to Burger King after the games to work the drive-thru, ensuring that no fan goes hungry during that long drive up 93.

“Burger King? Where?”

“Across the street.” ::points::

“Cool.” ::drives off::

Will vote for Pedro.

Won’t be coming to Boston. And if you were in a situation where you worked one day a week, came and went as you pleased, and had the opportunity to pitch to your son in the big leagues, would you chuck it all for the chance to read Dan Shaughnessy telling everyone you’re fat and overpaid? Me neither.

Oh, seriously, who gives a s–t?

Will be missed more than we want to admit.

Will not be missed more than we want to admit.

Will be branded the “Ortiz Killer” in New York. Will prompt more than a few savvy Boston sportscasters to note, “Why can’t we get players like that?”

Will replace Don Orsillo in the NESN broadcast booth in 2008.