Remember when Manny was knocking on death’s door, deadly Pharangitis raging through his body? Who did he turn to for comfort – none other than Enrique Wilson. They shared a cup of tea on a quiet evening in Boston and Manny recovered. Since that time, PR/psychologist/supporter/shoulder-to-cry-on/platonic lover/goofy sidekick duties have been handled by Kevin Millar. With Millar gone and Enrique invited to spring training, perhaps a changing of the guard is in order? Let’s listen in on negotiations…
Theo: Thank you for coming gentlemen, I guess you both know why you’re here.
Enrique: Yeah, of course.
Agent: Well Theo, I’m glad you recognize Mr. Wilson for the player he is. Let’s get into it.
Theo: OK. Enrique, let’s say a player on the team is feeling a little blue. Do you snap him in the ass with a towel, or put an arm around him and take him out to Baskin-Robbins?
Enrique: I don’t slap no man’s ass. And Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. You do the math.
Agent: Wait a minute. Let’s not forget that in 2004 my client hit .291 with RISP and .299 overall against lefties.
Theo: Right. Enrique, talk about how you’d handle someone in the clubhouse who might need to go back to his home country during the season. How could you, as a teammate, maintain the fans’ loyalty and support for this player?
Enrique: Well, in my experience nothing gets the fans on your side better than a good battle cry. Now, timing is everything, it has to be topical, you know? For example, if this hypothetical situation occurred during a long road trip, I might ask Mann…I mean, the player, to do an impromptu interview. During the interview, regardless of the question, the unnamed player would say “man, there’s no place like home.” The double-entendre being the player’s need to go to his home country, and the team’s desire to return to their home field.
Agent: What about the late-inning press numbers…
Theo: Listen, why don’t you step outside and try to sit on your own nuts? That should keep you busy while we finish up in here.
Enrique: Yeah, you better just chill homie, I’ll handle this shit.
Theo: Welcome aboard, Enrique.