Okay, see how Tom Brady has got himself a nice Hollywood girlfriend? I think it’s high time you guys stepped up to the plate as well. With my thoughts firmly ensconced in the upcoming season, I’m thinking that, with the departure of Mrs. Damon, we’re gonna need some fresh eye candy to pull us through those bitter evenings when Kevin Youkilis represents our only hope with two outs in the bottom of the ninth.
After watching last night’s Golden Globes, I think I’ve found your target: Scarlett Johansson. Dudes, listen. I don’t know if she’s currently dating. Heck, I’m not even sure if she’s married. But I do know that she’s one of the reasons God invented eyes. Plus, she’s just spent the last several months hanging around Woody Allen, so even Grady Little would be looking good to her right about now.*
What more can I say? Look at that picture. I mean, look at that picture. Need more proof? Check the opening shot of Lost in Translation. Nuff said. Get on your horses and think about the common man, the guy who may well find the 2006 Red Sox twelve and a half games out by August first. Who’s gonna bring the consolation? Hint: It’s not gonna be Al Nipper. We’re gonna need a little of that Johansson magic. Sitting forlorn in the stands. Cute Red Sox cap parked on her majestic locks. Chewing her gum or nibbling on popcorn as everything around her turns cold and grey. I know it would keep Remy and Orsillo and those pesky NESN cameramen plenty busy when the game’s gone south.
If one of you can land the elusive and enchanting Ms. Johansson, and, say, Josh Beckett can somehow get back together with Leeann Tweeden? Well, let’s just say you can put Lee Tinsley’s grandmother in centerfield for all I’d care. Now get to it.
*From what I hear, the Woodman’s new flick is actually quite good. But understand this and you’ll never go wrong: His best film is and always will be Crimes and Misdemeanors.