Well, you won’t learn any of life’s great lessons or shed many tears. But for those of you who wondered (anybody? anybody?) what it would have been like if sports figure/pop icon Howard Cosell were around to interview the modern-day Red Sox, you’ve come to the right place. ::screen gets all blurry fading to dream sequence::
Howard: Tonight, I’m here with Red Sox superstar center fielder and leadoff hitter extraordinaire, Johnny Damon. John, what is it like to be rock-star-like athlete?
JD: Well, ah, pretty awesome.
Howard: Would you say you are the Roy Orbison of baseball?
JD: Who? Is he that guy…
Howard: I’ll ask the questions here, you long-haired mongrel. What is this about you going to New York?
JD: Well, uh, they have really tall buildings there, and, you know, Michelle and I like to throw stuff out of our windows, like pumpkins and panties, so, uh, it would be pretty cool.
Howard: Getting back to baseball, did I ever tell you about the time I got to second base with Barbara Walters? It was non-consensual, of course, but when you walk onto an elevator and those two heaving mounds of womanhood are staring you in the face, and “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” in Muzak is filling your head with funky thoughts, what is a guy supposed to do?
JD: Uh, I didn’t know you were a playa, Howard.
Howard: That is neither here nor there. Now, your agent is asking for a seven-year contract. Has he gone a few rounds with Ali? Sure, you’re a good leadoff batter, but let’s face it Johnny, you don’t steal bases, you throw like Mary Tyler Moore, who by the way is another one I wouldn’t mind meeting on an elevator, and you have a certain penchant for crashing into walls.
JD: Yeah, well, Michelle gets hot when I crash into things.
Howard: Where did you meet the lovely Michelle?
JD: Well Howard, I saw her at a party and mixed her a “Leg Opener” and…
Howard: Johnny, tell the folks at home what a Leg Opener is.
JD: Well, it is a drink I like to give to the ladies. It has, uh, vodka, pineapple juice, and oh, uh, Rohypnol.
Howard: You might want to write that recipe down for me. And take it from me, the Ether rag is still a very effective standby. Now let’s talk hair. What is with the Jesus look?
JD: Uh, Howard, I just felt like I needed a change. And, uh, all of a sudden, like, girls started hanging out with me before I even gave them my, uh, cocktail.
Howard: I may have to invest in similar look. Remind me to call iParty after the interview. They have a fine assortment of hair pieces. By the way, you do know that the New York Yankees enforce a very strict policy on appearance, in particular, long hair and facial hair are not allowed?
JD: Wait, uh, what do you mean “policy?”
Howard: Johnny Samson, the Yankees will be your Delilah. And let me remind you of the quality of tail you were pulling in your clean-cut days. ::holds up picture of Damon’s ex-wife::
JD: Uh-oh. Ah, excuse me Howard, I have to call Scott Boras…