Doesn’t it seem like we’ve already said too many goodbyes since winning the 2004 World Series? Well get ready, because after the clusterf–k that went down over the weekend and into yesterday, we’re not through seeing people leave Boston. I don’t see how Red Sox ownership and the spin doctor himself, Larry Lucchino, can make this look like anything less than a major disaster. For Theo to turn down 4.5 million dollars and the chance to continue bedding any of Boston’s hottest women, something is very, very wrong.
Red Sox Nation can sometimes be a paranoid bunch, and I include myself in that generalization. I have also been blessed (or cursed) with a keen ability to see into the future. And it doesn’t look good. If you’re weak-willed, please turn away now, it isn’t pretty.
1) In a surprising move, Katie Couric is named new GM of the Boston Red Sox. Sources close to the team say owner Tom Werner has been devastated since the break-up and he firmly believes this move will win her back.
2) Attempts to rebuild the team will take a nasty turn when Johnny Damon rejects a 4-year, 50 million dollar contract offer in favor of hosting a prime-time variety show with his wife Michelle. Damon believes they will be the next Donny and Marie, only dirtier.
3) Manny is traded away in a blockbuster deal that brings Danny Graves, BK Kim and Claudell Washington to the Red Sox.
4) David Ortiz stuns the nation by retiring to pursue his dream of being the first black, 250-pound Irish Step Dancer. He will fund and star in his production of Charles RiverDance.
5) Theo takes the GM position in Tampa Bay pro bono and leads the Devil Rays to a World Series title with a pitching staff made up entirely of guys named Chad.
6) Dan Shaughnessy writes a bestselling series of romatic novels about a much-maligned Boston reporter who investigates supernatural events involving sports teams.
7) Trot Nixon is named as the “well known outfielder” who tested positive for steroids during the 2005 playoffs. He is the first to be penalized under new legislation and receives a one-year suspension. He walks away from baseball and joins the world of pro wrestling under the psuedonym “Tiny Wood” and is later convicted of murder following a steel cage incident.
8) George Steinbrenner is named the new commissioner of baseball after Bud Selig falls into a coma after suffering a mysterious hot tub accident involving Joan Rivers and certain members of The Backstreet Boys.
Enjoy 2004 memories…