What the f–k? Come on, dude. Can’t you see you’ll never have this much fun on the Mets? You’ve got a good thing going here. You play the outfield with the precision of Phillip Seymour Hoffman on a unicycle, and the fans love you. You leave mid-game to take a whiz, we chant your name. You dog it to first base, and every ninteen-year old hottie west of BU wants to use your face as her personal bacalounger. Who cares what people like Gordon Edes and Dan Shaughnessy say about you. Think those dinks wouldn’t dropkick their own lives into the Harbor for a chance to roll for just a week in yours? We need you, chief. Like Metropolis needs Superman. So stick around, kindly.
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Dear Millar & Mueller:
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Dear BBC America:
Thank you, first of all, for dedicating fifty-seven hours each week to The Benny Hill Show. And all those home makeover and gardening programs? Brilliant. Almost as cool as the weekly marathons of The Saint and The Avengers. But if the purpose of your channel is to take some of the coolest shows you’re running on the BBC in the UK and give us US viewers a taste, then why not show the recently revived Doctor Who? I’ve seen the bootleg DVDs [thank you, ebay], and I can say — as someone who gladly suffered the old series’ stodgy acting, high-school theatre department sets, and basement videophile-level special effects — that it rocks heartily. So much better than anything currently running on The Sci Fi Channel, yet you refuse to give us even a taste on this side of the Atlantic. Don’t make me swear allegiance to French television…