Attention Red Sox management.

Over the next couple months, when you’re sitting down, figuring what to do about the Johnny Damon situation, consider this: If we lose Johnny Damon, we lose the majesty that is Michelle Damon. And I’m not so sure I’m ready for that.

Come on, lads. The ex-stripper stories. Scarf-gate. The atomic cleavage. These are good things. But even if they don’t convince you, how can you not be swayed by the unstoppable train of fantastic that is the NESN pre-game fashion report. Christ, back in the day, during rain delays, I had to sit through six hours of Bob Montgomery discussing cleats [“These ones here? Good for gravel, mostly.”] Now I get Michelle Damon trying on capri pants up and down Newbury Street. If you folks can’t choose which one of these represents true quality programming… then perhaps I’m wasting my breath.

For what it’s worth, that Johnny guy’s good, too. Never mind the fact that the fellow who played the dad on Diffr’nt Strokes could hit a cutoff man with greater accuracy. Johnny’s true value comes from his bat, giving you a leadoff guy who’s almost always on base, setting the table for your big guns [and, maybe some day, Edgar].

Anyway, back to Michelle. We can’t let this goodness slip away to the West Coast — or worse, NYC. Let us keep our Yoko Ono. Please. Work it out.

Oh, and in NLCS news, if momentum counts for anything, it’ll be Pale Hose vs. Cards in the World Series.