Hey hey. Michelle Damon here. Yeah, Mrs. Johnny Damon. Red and Denton were out past their bedtimes last night pimping their book and asked me to fill in. So here I am! This is just a stepping stone until I take over my rightful spot behind the NESN sports desk. I think Hazel might be due for a little “accident.” You just never know when you’ll be walking down the street and a pumpkin falls twenty stories onto your head.

Anyhoo, what a game yesterday. My Johnny was 2 for 4 with 3 RBI. And in the Damon house, 3 RBI gets you a lot more than a pat on the back and an extra cookie with dinner. Let’s just say Johnny might be a little tired for tonight’s game. And after the day Billy Mueller had, I kinda wish I was married to him, too. Three hits and those great plays in the field. He was throwing around more leather than me and my friends at my annual “Cowboys and Dominatrix” party.

And how about Big Papi? Three hits, three RBI, including a loooong homerun. Do you know why they really call him Big Papi? I do. And how cool would it be to see him and Dmitri Young all oiled up and wrestling each other? I could see Papi going to the trunks to pull out a “foreign object.” No, I mean a knife, silly. And then Dmitri going all Crocodile Dundee on him as he pulls a machete out of his trunks and saying “that’s not a knife, this is a knife.” But in the end they’d be friends and Papi would cook him dinner.

And why am I talking about fighting? Because Tampa Bay is coming to town. And those guys are just meanies. One time I was “dancing” in a club down there, and this guy stuck a twenty in my thong by accident instead of a one. When I wouldn’t make change for him, he gave me a nasty titty twister. Well, my favorite actor Chuck Norris once said, “an eye for an eye” and I live by those words. So when security took this guy out to the alley for a little education, I won’t tell you what part of his body they twisted. But his new nickname is one-nut.

See y’all on NESN.