The “Alex Extravaganza”
Alex Cora
Alex Lifeson
Alex P. Keaton
Alex Karras
Alexander Gould
Jane Alexander
Art Alexakis
Jason Alexander
Mark Bellhorn

The “Former Players With Goofy Names” Bit
Dwayne Hosey
Brian Looney
Greg Pirkl
Chris Snopek
Midre Cummings
Ed Jurak
Rico Brogna
Izzy Alcantara
Bo Diaz

The “Keep ‘em Guessing”
John Oates
Johnny Pesky
Guy Who Played Chewbacca [note to self: with costume or without? Full wookiee gear could have intimidation factor, but bandolier may not meet MLB regulations. F--k it, put him in anyway.]
Jim Rowe
The Ohio Players
Pia Zadora
Gorman Thomas
A lizard
This guy

The “All Bellhorn, All the Time”
Mark Bellhorn
Peter Bellhorn, Mark’s dad
Nadine Bellhorn, Mark’s mom
Kevin Bellhorn, Mark’s cousin who used to be in the service
Alyson Bellhorn, Mark’s sister
Evelyn Bellhorn, Mark’s cousin who once ran away from fat camp
Samuel Beeks, Mark’s tailor
Mark Bellhorn IV, Mark’s great-grandson who came to present-day Earth through a bizarre time-portal incident
Muhammed Al-Shaziz Bellhorn, the exchange student Mark’s family adopted in 1992

::insert transitional music here::

All I can say is, for a rain-shortened game, last night’s loss produced more angst and stomach upset within my fragile chemistry than the entire month of May. It’s hard to say what angered me more. That bizarro world line-up that Tito fielded? Trot getting picked off second base in a critical, two-out, bases-loaded situation? Millar looking abslutely lost at the plate? Miguel Tejada and his bizarre Muppet-hinged mouth yap-yap-yapping on the bench?

Screw it all, I say. File it away in the dark recesses of your mind, and stumble out tonight to see Bronson vs. Ponson.