Let me get this straight. We give Manny and Anibal Sanchez and Kelly Shoppach and we get Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron?

There must be something else that I’m missing here. Free steaks for life for every member of Red Sox Nation? A mandatory “Hazel Mae Watches the Game from Your Lap” night? Wille Randolph and Lou Pinella perform softshoe between innings at every Fenway home game?

Unless Huff is secretly harboring a 102-mph fastball, or unless Cameron is dating Vida Guerra and his presence in this town would instantly raise my chances of bumping into her at the local juice bar by 75 percent, why in the name of M. Emmett Walsh would we do this?

Not that I think it’s actually going to transpire. My personal theory about these “blockbuster” trades is that if I’ve heard about them before they’ve happened, they’re usually not going to happen. Once it leaks, it’s probably dead, or about to die a slow, painful, drawn-out public death, a la A-Rod for Manny.

That said, if the Mets want to slide us Carlos Beltran instead… well, let’s talk. Dude could probably use a change of scenery anyway.

Oh, and also, there was a game last night. Possibly the strangest of the season to boot. Did you not think that you were on angel dust at least four times during the proceedings?

What was perhaps most interesting, as all this trade talk floats on, was seeing Bill Mueller homer while J.C. Romero — who, rumor has it, Theo’s trying to swap Mueller for — served up a grand slam to Olerud. Thank you, Magic Helmet!

Oh, if the Gods of Irony were watching, ‘twould have been Mueller himself who belted that grannie off Romero. I mean, how cool and weird would that have been?

Professor Wells — who is officially my favorite player on this 2005 team — takes the hill tonight at 7:05. See you in class.