Screw you.

Seriously, a 2:20pm start for today’s earth-crunching, baseball-lover’s wet dream of a match-up between the Red Sox and Cubs?

I know it’s Wrigley Field and the afternoon game is as much a part of the park’s mystique as that crazy-ass ivy on the walls and the image of Steve Bartman being hung by his nutsack over the left field corner, but come on. This is prime time viewing. This is drop your goddam shit and get your ass on the couch at once time. This is an extension of the magic that was the 2004 season and you’re f–king it up for me.

This isn’t just another game. This ain’t no weenie roast of a swing through Pittsburgh or Atlanta. This is the goddam Red Sox playing the goddam Chicago Cubs in goddam Wrigley Field. I don’t just wanna watch this game, I want to dress my TV up in a cute wig and a tight little black number and actually attempt to mate with it while it’s broadcasting the game. I want to set up an elaborate series of video surveillance equipment so I can some day show future generations that the Red Sox played the Cubs and I was there [albeit in my living room] to watch it happen.

But I can’t. Because of that 2:20pm thing. For I have a cruel mistress that I call my job and unless I want to spend some long, hard nights wondering where my next few meals will be coming from, I am bound to do her bidding. And today, her bidding dictates that I’ll be sitting in a meeting for much of the afternoon. No sneaking out my office window to catch an inning or two at the local. No EEI audio streaming on my laptop. No painting one side of my ass with the Sox logo, and the other with the Cubs logo. [Wait... I may still do that.]

Bad enough my boss already gets half a man [as did, for that matter, every woman who's ever dated me]. Now I gotta spend this afternoon struggling to keep my focus while I sit and wonder how Manny looks in the left field of Wrigley, and imagine Damon running headlong into the brick wall.

Because, you see, I won’t be able to watch it. Bastards.

ADDENDUM: F–k god almighty. To think I almost wasted a sick day for that horseshit. Although am I the only one who thought it was cool that Maddux belted a homerun?