[With apologies to McSweeney’s]
June 9, 1863
Brandy Station, Virginia
General Robert E. Lee: Men, I know these last few weeks have been hard. But we’ve held off the Union armies, and stunted their progress significantly. I promise you that new equipment and supplies will be forthcoming. Just as soon as we reach Stevensburg.
Kevin Millar: What about the chicks?
Millar: Girls. You know? [Makes hand gestures with pinky and thumb extended]
Lee: Who are you?
Millar: Kevin Millar. World Champion Boston Red Sox. It’s an off day for me, so instead of hanging in Toronto, I figgered I’d just tool around through time.
Lee: And… you’re with the… fifteenth brigade?
Millar: Fifteen? Oh, naw, that’s just my uniform number. [Holds up a Confederate rifle with the words HERB CHESTERSON METALS INC. engraved on its side] Hey, did you know if you scratch out some of the letters on these guns you can make it say “HER CHEST ON ME”? [Laughs heartily]. I’m gonna do it to all of ‘em.
Lee: Did the Union send you?
Millar: Heck, no. I’m not into this whole “us” and “them” thing. We’re all people, here. Americans. We’re a team. And you guys are gonna sort all this stuff out soon enough. Hell, they even name a car on The Dukes of Hazzard after you, so it’s all good.
Lee: I might remind you that we’re in the middle of a war. And I’m responsible for the lives of these young men.
Millar: Well, that’s just it. I’ve been talkin’ with these guys and I just wanna show ‘em all a good time. You know? A seventeen year old kid should be out dry humpin’ trees, not gettin’ his ass shot off. So I figgered tonight we’d lay low a bit, hang back and tie one on. I brought these Hooters girls with me–
Lee: There’ll be no frivolity here, my friend. We pull out of Brandy Station tonight.
Millar: Well at least lemme hook y’all up with some new duds. It gets cold out here. [Hands Lee a pair of pants].
Lee: [reading the label on the pants] “The Banana Republic Dawson Chino.”
Millar: Also, some World Series Champion T-shirts. Gotta represent.
Lee: These gifts are pretty unorthodox, Mister. If this is some sort of trickery… [waves his sword defiantly.]
Millar: [shielding his crotch with his hands] Hey, man, watch the grapes. Look, there’s nothing but good intentions here. I’ve been very blessed in this life. Got a World Series ring. A couple million in the bank. Johnny Damon’s wife once accidentally sat on my hand. Time travel’s just a way to chill out and give a little somethin’ back. Also, I totally dig on that Victorian-era cleavage.
Lee: Well, you’re a strange rascal for sure, Mee-lar. But right now, I’ll ask you to step aside so the Confederate army can make its advance.
Millar: No problem. I was on my way over to Madonna’s senior prom, anyway. [Switches on boom box; starts doing air guitar to Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” as the troops march away.]