“Alright. I’ll say it. Your team is suckin’ wind. Barkin’ like a pack of dogs. I see it, y’all see it. And, yeah, it’s early, sure. But how long you gonna keep falling back on that excuse? The All-Star Break? Hell, you still got half a season left at that point. Plenty of time to rev it up and get all serious for the home stretch.

Last night, y’all had plenty of chances to take us down. My man Bonderman was like a drownin’ fool just waitin’ for someone to stick a hose in his mouth. ‘Specially during that fourth inning when you had the bases loaded with nobody out. Then, boom-boom-boom, down goes Trot, down goes Manny, and down goes Big Papi. Hell, I nearly dropped my steak sub cheerin’ after that. Twenty-five men left on base? Damn, that’s, like, two full juries and then some. I ain’t even gonna ask why Blaine Neal came into the game. But I’m sure glad he did.

Anyway, just like I did the last time I took over this blog, I wanted to leave you with words of encouragement. Sure, you’re just a game over 500 and lookin’ pretty listless. But you got Manny, so you know the offense won’t be drying up soon. And that Damon boy’s hittin’ like a fool. Wade Miller’s comin’ back soon and Gonzalez was lookin’ not entirely half bad. Plus, you just signed John Olerud, and even though he looks kinda like the elf that wants to be a dentist from Rudolph, he wears a helmet when he plays the field. That’s gangsta.

Also, I know you guys are gettin’ all down on Edgar, but did you see him turn that double play? Pretty damn sweet, though I gotta say that if it was me barrelin’ into second, my man would be shopping for pants that fit two ass cheeks and a cleat. ‘Cause that’s just how I roll. Hopefully, I’ll be kicking this flu thing in time for tonight’s game, and you’ll get to see it in action.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go suck the marrow from a coupla human shin bones.”