The Cro-Magnon: A throwback to a simpler time, when men roamed the land free from taxation, fast food restaurants, and the threat of a Bad Company reunion tour. While it is widely held that Johnny will be leaving the Red Sox at the close of the 2005 season, his beard — which is also represented by Scott Boras — is currently in discussions to remain in Boston, most likely in some sort of front office capacity.


The Classic Goatee: Or is it a Vandyke? We never quite understood the difference between the two. Maybe it is a Vandyke. Whatever. All we know is if A-Rod had a beard, Tek’s beard could most definitely kick its ass.


The Aero: Futuristic and edgy, this beard takes the classic “goatee” style [or is it Vandyke? F--k!] and adds space-age “wings” on either side, for reasons we’re certain not even Mr. Millar fully comprehends. In the year 2075, every male over the age of 14 will be required to wear their beards in this fashion.


The Cupcake: Looks just like a chocolate cupcake. That is, until you inspect it a bit closer. That’s when you realize… it actually is a chocolate cupcake. Perfectly positioned for covert snacking throughout any game, day or night. Also available in “vanilla” and “berry” and “Johnnie Walker Red.”


The Emancipator: A bold, stylish, and somewhat frightening statement, whether you’re ending slavery, getting that ridiculous Civil War business settled, or just shutting down those punk-ass Devil Rays.