First off, what transgressions against humanity must one be found guilty of… what unspeakable horrors must one design… before they are seated in this section at Yankee Stadium, which housed Regis Philbin, Bill O’Reilly, The Donald, and — not seen here but he’s just to Trump’s left — Billy “The Red Sox made me cry” Crystal. One can only assume that Pauly Shore and the cast of Cats were strategically positioned throughout the group as well.

Oh, and there was a game.

Not a good one for us, to be sure, but let’s face it: The Yanks have been gearing up for this ever since they had to bear witness to Derek Lowe sliding bare-assed across their pitching mound and the countless other celebratory gestures that transpired roughly a half year ago. This one was “all Yankees, all the time,” and when Matsui — whose fielding highlight reel can at times resemble outtakes from a Jerry Lewis movie — swiped a two-run shot from Millar with a superbly-timed leap, it seemed the tone of the game was set. At least in my fevered head.

All-in-all, this was just a miserable thing from start to finish, particularly for Damon, who went 0-fer-4 and looked positively lost at times in the field. But, considering what he did in the last game we played here, he gets the mulligan. The top five in the line-up — Damon, Renteria, Manny, Papi and Millar — went a combined 1-for-18. The Unit, as they say in the fancy uptown restaurants, was “on.” And that was pretty much that.

But didn’t we lose last year’s opener as well? And the year before that? Dude, I’d be upset if we didn’t lose the opener. You don’t mess with what works, folks. We’re like Mr. Miyagi, keeping it steady, and rocking the headband.

That said, if you’re looking for something good to take away from this washout, find solace in the fact that Mrs. Johnny Damon and her spectacular bosom will be serving as a NESN “personality” for much of the season, as a sort of hybird fashion commentator/special reporter. Whatever. Just gimme.

The Matt Clement Cy Young campaign begins Tuesday afternoon. See you then.