…but Carl Pavano ain’t one.
Actually, more like 39 problems. These are the thoughts that haunt my sleep:
1. Randy Johnson.
2. Randy Johnson’s haircut.
3. Randy Johnson slapping me around like a twenty dollar hooker, shouting, “Don’t talk back to me.”
4. A naked Randy Johnson chasing me through Lars Anderson Park in Brookline with a pair of hedge clippers.
5. An Opening Day Ring Ceremony in which Chang Lee is the only guy from the 2004 team left to participate.
6. That watching J-Lo’s new video once again will get me all wigged-out like those Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
7. David Wells taking a vow of “pantsless post-game interviews.”
8. Terry Francona taking a vow of “management by penis” [I have no idea what it means, either, folks.]
9. The guy who sang “Mambo Number Five” deciding to release “Mambo Number Six” and “Seven.”
10. My ticket connection for Opening Day falling through.
11. My ticket connection coming though, but I’m sitting next to this guy.
12. That videotape of me in the Batman costume somehow getting circulated across the Internet.
14. Millar getting traded.
15. Manny getting traded.
16. Manny somehow forgetting he plays professional baseball and inadvertently applying for and accepting a job at a Home Depot in Caracas, missing the entire 2005 season.
17. Schilling’s ankle.
18. Wells’ drinking.
19. Pedro’s shoulder [not Pedro Martinez, mind you. Pedro Lomax, my landscaper.]
20. That Star Wars Episode Three will be as horrific as Episodes One and Two.
21. That Gabe Kapler, he of the impressive musculature, will miss valuable playing time after being called into duty by the Japanese military to battle Rodan.
22. That someday we’re going to find out exactly what Derek Lowe did to so deeply anger the Red Sox front office. And it involves pudding.
23. That the episode of Saturday Night Live featuring Jeter, Wells and Cone in drag could be re-run at any given moment on Comedy Central.
24. That Edgar Renteria once again makes the last out of the World Series, only this time it’s 2005 and he’s grounding back to Pedro.
25. That Spring Training kicks off with Trot Nixon announcing he’s leaving baseball to pursue his first love: puppetry.
27. That Surviving Grady: The Book is released, but the actual copy is replaced with page after page of Bob Newhart photographs. Actually… that might sell more.
28. That my Uncle Pepito makes good on his claim to sit bare-assed on every seat in Fenway Park.
29. That Ashlee Simpson is never, ever, ever going to return my calls. But when I scale the wall of her Hollywood condo covered in pig’s blood? Oh, she’ll notice me then. I swear to God she’ll notice me then…
30. That George Steinbrenner, in the throes of a complete mental collapse, ends a press conference with the line, “Ain’t no half-steppin’ to the Yankees.”
31. That my stashed cases of Yaz Bread might actually be worth… nothing.
32. That the IT guys at my office aren’t monitoring my recent Internet searches for a “meat smoker” for my Dad’s birthday.
33. That the seventh inning stretch at Fenway is changed to “Variety Time! with the Jose Offerman Dancers.”
34. That married life might slowly conform Johnny Damon into a guy who quotes “The Cos” and likes to speak with reporters at length about window treatments.
35. That my neighbors are Sleestaks.
36. That Pedro actually doesn’t care about everything he left behind in Boston.
37. That Michael Felger will soon complete construction of “Robo Felger” [which, as we all know, during periods of civil unrest or attack by alien forces, joins with “Robo Massarotti” to form Great Mazinga.]
38. That Citizen Kane is actually just a shitty movie about a guy and his sled.
39. That it was all a dream, and I’ll wake up to find that the Sox never really won the World Series.
Alright. Enough bad vibes. Time to fill the pool with happy images. Like this:
I’ve been staring at this thing for hours, ladies and gentlemen. And I swear by all that is holy, they’re actually starting to talk to me. See if you don’t experience the same.
Thanks to BFIM for the animated GIF magic.