For those keeping score:

Tim Hudson goes to Atlanta.

Randy “Chewbacca” Johnson likely going to the Yankees.

Meanwhile, Derek Lowe remains trapped in an old, abandoned mine shaft, where he waits for help. And waits. And waits.

And I sit here, madly following the comings and goings of these over-priced players, enduring the slings and arrows of my co-workers. They’re all, “Where’s the LaRosa Report you were supposed to have finished last week” and “Would you please stop dipping your balls in the coffee machine” and “Mister, back in my day, employees were expected to keep their pants on at the office.”


Anyway, how can I focus on work when I’m anxiously awaiting Theo’s big move. You know it’s going to be huge. Immense. Heart-attack inducing. One of those drop-to-the-floor-and-make-snow-angels-on-the-carpet things of beauty. The type of manuever that induces night sweats across Yankees HQ and spins me to heights of euphoria not reached since the videotape conclusively showed that it wasn’t me in the Big Bird costume and those sorority chicks had to drop the charges.

So who’s it going to be? Matt Clement? A.J. Burnett? How ’bout Clemens, just to ensure that every member of our pitching staff is getting AARP Digest?

I’m imagining a three-way. Or some complex deal involving the Nippon Ham Fighters and the band Modest Mouse. A bombastic, how’d he think of that alignment of the stars and talents that helps me breathe a bit easier.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all intimidated by a Johnson-Mussina-Brown-Pavano-Wright rotation. But if said rotation will be up against Schilling-Wells-Halama-Arroyo and Wakey… well, let’s just say I’ll be hooked up to a Maalox IV for much of the 2005 season.

I really feel silly getting all riled up, though. Because I know Theo’s got something in the works. Maybe it’ll be announced Christmas Day. Possibly sooner.

I just wish he’d hurry up.

In the meantime, if you’re desperately seeking a last-minute gift for the Red Sox fan on your list, might we suggest the scary-as-all-f–k Johnny Damon statuette from McFarlane Toys?

Actually, despite the fact that this was apparently cast from the same mold used to create the “Jim Morrison Action Figure,” this is pretty cool, and we’ll probably end up buying six and stashing them away with our Spice Girls dolls and our Jim Rice Action Pants [which never really existed, sadly] in the hopes of brokering a new home or college tuitions.

We dream big in these parts.

Oh, and no matter how much I look at this photo, it’s never gonna make sense.