1. Accept the fact that Scarlett Johannson will not be returning my calls, making me waffles, or providing me with a personal re-enactment of the opening shot of Lost in Translation. Also accept the fact that, according to the highly reliable New York Post gossip section, Ms. Johannson is dating Captain Intangibles himself, Derek Jeter. Bury the pain. Bury it.
Good. Now, moving on…
2. Work the Red Sox into every conversation, for the rest of my life.
Example One:
Red’s Boss [during high-falutin’ meeting]: We’re at the critical junction of this product roll-out.
Red: Perhaps… but not quite as critical as Kevin Millar’s walk to lead off the ninth in Game 4 of the ALCS.
Red’s Boss [into phone]: Security…
Example Two:
Passerby in Street: Nice day, huh?
Red [producing a well-worn copy of the October 28, 2004 Boston Globe from his back pocket and pointing to the headline]: Not as nice as the day these guys had!
Passerby in Street: Right.
3. Respect the Bell. The best $490,000 we ever spent.
4. Get to More Games. In 2004, f–king Jimmy Fallon was at Fenway more often than me. That’s not good. In 2005, I vow to be a frequent presence at the Church of Lansdowne, even if it means selling off my rare Mego Super Hero Action Figures or participating in those bizarre “sleep-deprivation for cash” studies at Harvard Med School.
5. Be Like Timmy. Because you can’t go wrong following the example of Our Man Wakefield.
6. Finally sit down and watch the entire first season of NYPD Blue on DVD. Because it was the show’s best season, really.
7. Find a safe place to store your commemorative Red Sox magazines, books and newspaper clippings. Because the kids will want to give them to their kids.
8. No more using the word “re-donk-ulous.” Especially in business settings.
9. Start every day by replaying in your mind the image of Keith Foulke snaring Renteria’s ground ball. The toss to Minty. The arms raised. The mad rush of players. The pig pile. The spilled beer. The 2:00am phone calls to friends and relatives. The sleepless nights, the tear-stained days. The feeling that consumed you when the Red Sox actually, truly and positively won the 2004 World Series.
10. Expand my beer palate. As the only Irish guy in the world who can’t stomach Guinness, I tend to stick to old friends Bud Light and Rolling Rock. Must not be afraid to see other beers — preferably something that isn’t thick or dark; refreshingly light but with a bit more substance than my usual brewskis. And I’m open to suggestions.
11. Less talkin’, more rockin’.
Okay. Now let’s hear yours.
