George Steinbrenner Writes Javier Vazquez

Mr. Vazquez:

Big Man here.

Don’t want to go to L.A., huh?

Look here, assface, if this caper of yours costs me The Unit, consider yourself officially enrolled in the “everlasting beatdown” club. Wake up in the morning to get your paper? My boys will be there. Taking a leisurely stroll through the park? Hope you’re good at dodging glass bottles. Picking up a few items at the supermarket? Think about how uncool it feels to have the freezer doors slammed repeatedly on one’s tongue.

Perhaps, in time, you’ll see that New York really isn’t all that safe, and Los Angeles will be looking a lot nicer. I’ll check back with you in a couple. In the meantime, consider this: trying to eat your toast with no teeth ain’t any kind of fun.

Think it over,

Mr. Steinbrenner

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Alexandra Hudson, Age 9, Writes David Wells

Dear David:

Welcome to the Red Sox. I’ll admit that at first I was skeptical, but after hearing your brilliant press conference remarks about “pissing a lot of people off” because you keep winning, I’m convinced you’ll do just fine here.

Also, you remind me of Grimace.



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Randy Johnson Writes Theo Epstein

Dear Theo:

Okay, Phase One is complete. The Yanks are stewing, and the New York papers are all but crucifying Vazquez. Time for you boys to swoop in, A-Rod style, and snatch me up.

Think about it: Schilling, myself, Wellsie, Clement and Arroyo. Cripes, you just grabbed Wade Miller too, so the options would be limitless.

I await your call. In the meantime, I’m building my own R2 unit. Yeah, I’m kicking it Jedi style if I can’t get out of here through the more traditional avenues.

Talk to you soon,

Big Unit, The

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Frosty Writes Santa and Rudolph

Hello, bitches.

Just kidding. But seriously, why are your TV specials filmed in that mad cool stop motion animation technique-thingee and I’m just a goddam cartoon? For chrissakes, you’re all busting out in 3-D while I’m done up fu–ing Pepe LePew style. This really chaps my ass. And the shit I’m catching down at the pub? I’d be lying if I didn’t say my veneer is starting to crack.

Anyway, count me out for the party this weekend. With the anger I’m feeling, I’m liable to kick someone in the grapes.

To better things in 2005,


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Carlos Beltran Writes Scott Boras


As a follow-up to our meeting with the Yankees, I’d like you to add a few things to my “want list”:

1) Spaceship [I’m not really picky as to make and model. The main thing here is to be able to entice chicks with trips to Saturn.]

2) New Mexico [Some of my favorite restaurants are here. Any idea of the asking price?]

3) Diplomatic immunity [not really sure what this is, but sounds cool, so I figured what the heck.]

4) Jessica Alba

Thanks bunches, dude.