Sean McDonough Writes Joseph Abboud
Good evening, Joseph, Sean McDonough here, coming to you tonight by pen and paper from an elegant hotel room overlooking the Charles River. I’ve just finished off a chateaubriand which I have to say was frighteningly substandard for [name of hotel chain withheld], and am currently debating over “Spider Man 2” or “Office Slut Dance Party” as my in-room entertainment selection.
But to get to the point: As you may have read, NESN has decided to cut me loose, and I will no longer be doing the Red Sox telecasts. One of the perks I will surely miss is the free product from your fine boutiques. But I’ve devised a plan by which I can continue plugging your goods beyond the broadcast booth.
The full details are enclosed, but, in a nutshell, this would be a progressive, interactive approach encompassing:
1) Talking loudly about “fine Joseph Abboud brand slacks” in public places, such as restaurants and polling stations.
2) Calling in to radio talk shows during peak drive times to note that “my Joseph Abboud-shirted self is of the opinion that…” and proceeding to discourse on the current topic.
3) Forcibly stapling Joseph Abboud ties to passersby in front of Copley Plaza [this may sound extreme, but as the diagrams I’ve attached will show, it can be pulled off to greatly humorous effect].
The enclosed plan really speaks for itself, so I’ll just ask you to peruse it at your leisure. You know where to reach me.
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Jerry Remy Writes Sean McDonough
Rem Dog here. I would have called you, but the phone’s been tied up taking orders for the life-size Remy Loverman Doll with “Moustache Action,” so I figured a letter would work best.
Anyway, off the record, I think what those rat bastards at NESN did was just deplorable. I never saw it coming, and, trust me, I’d been hinting that Orsillo needs to take a long walk off a short pier for so long, I figured they’d finally gotten the message. But I was surprised and saddened to learn they’d let you go instead.
I know you’ll be back up on your feet in no time, because a class guy like you can’t be kept down. But in the meantime, if you’re looking for some quick coin, I’ve enclosed the script for a little off-Broadway thing. It’s basically the story of Wally the Green Monster, but it’s told from the perspective of that little deck chair he sits in during our broadcasts. Sounds weird, I know, but it works. Trust me. There’ll be songs and all kinds of shit like that; the guys from Bachman Turner Overdrive are writing some tunes for us. Anyway, read up on the character “Duke Burberry.” I think it would be perfect for you and, good news, it only requires partial nudity. You will need to learn some fairly elaborate dance routines, but we’re not looking at opening this thing ’till February.
So give it a read, my friend, and let me know what you think. Oh, and I should mention that in one scene you may have to tongue-kiss Luis Tiant. But that part might get cut, pending the decision of the Weymouth Board of Selectmen.
Anyway, happy holidays, and I’ll be in touch.
The Rem Dog
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Side Note: Joking aside, news of NESN’s decision to dump Sean McDonough was every bit as painful as seeing Petey, Roberts, OC and The Hammer move on. He was one of the best, as much a part of Red Sox Nation as any of the players, and never afraid to question bad managerial decisions — something that endeared him to the Nation but may have played a role in his canning. We’ll miss him something fierce.