1. If, through some bizarre alignment of the planets or the enticements of an unforeseen suitor, the Red Sox do not sign Jason Varitek, what would “Plan B” behind the plate look like? Sandy Alomar? Brook Fordyce? The return of John Flaherty? Enticing Bob Montgomery out of retirement?

2. Is there anyone on the planet cuter than Gwen Stefani?

3. Have you officially consummated your relationship with the Sox yet?

4. Bigger cohones: Clemens or Schilling?

5. Are the Standells seeing any coin from the spinning of “Dirty Water” at Sox games? Is ASCAP on this?

6. Am I the only person in the world who owns a copy of The Monkees-Jack Nicholson epic Head on DVD?

7. Next year’s Red Sox infield: Doug Mientkiewicz, Alfonso Soriano, Barry Larkin, Bill Mueller. No?

8. Next year’s Red Sox starting rotation: Schilling, Pedro Martinez, Brad Radke, Bronson Arroyo, Tim Wakefield. No?

9. We all know Clemens will pitch again next year? But for which team?

10. What unique and prestigious distinction can actor Bronson Pinchot (Balki on Perfect Strangers) claim that very few other actors can?

11. Yankees’ 2005 rotation: Mussina, The Unit, Tim Hudson, Vasquez, David Wells. No?

12. If someone offered you a ticket to Fenway Opening Day 2005 with the caveat that you’d be sitting between Tom Menino and Jared from the Subway ads… would you take ‘em?

13. Andy Kaufman: Still alive?